1 Year Angelversary

August 18th, one year ago I gave birth to my baby girl. I have been thinking about this day for a long time coming. I planned to start the day by going to watch the sunrise with my mom but when I got up at 5:45am it was pouring down rain so we decided to go back to bed.

I finally got up at 8am and watched a little bit of TV. I called my mom to let her know I was finally up. After I got dressed I had to take my car to get one of my tires fixed because it had a huge bolt stuck in it. We went over there about 9:30 to get the tire fixed which only took 15 minutes. We then went back to my house to get Mark and Alec to go eat breakfast. Mark had a BOGO coupon for breakfast at Bob Evans so that is where we went. It was very good, I got strawberry and banana crepes and banana nut bread. I also drank a strawberry and banana smoothie.

After breakfast we decided to go to the mall because my mom was thinking about getting her ear pierced. On the way over Alec said she wanted to get her ears pierced too and I decided I wanted to get mine done as well. Turns out that my mom and I couldn't get ours done because we wanted it done in the ear cartilage and you can only get that done at a body piercing studio not a Claire's. Mom paid for Alec to get her ears done for her birthday present since she hadn't got her anything yet.

We went back to the house to rest a little and see if we could figure out which body piercing place we wanted to go. When we arrived home there was some mail waiting for me. A box? What was in the box? It was my Brinley Bear from Molly Bears. I placed my request probably nine months ago. I made a few donations but it is free to get a bear made. It costs them about $30 to make and mail each bear so I have made donations when I can. The last donation was in honor of a fellow BLM's son's first birthday in heaven. Well I ended up winning the drawing from that donation to have my bear made next. That was 2 months ago. It is crazy that my bear came today on Brinley's birthday.

I think this is such a great service for baby loss parents. They make a bear that weighs as much as the baby they lost. Brinley was 6lbs 1oz when she was born so her bear weighs 6lbs 1oz. You can imagine the shipping costs really add up with all this weight for each bear.




So I ask if you find it in your heart to make a donation in Brinley's name to please do so. You can make a donation here: 

https://www.mollybears.com/Donate_To_Molly_Bears.html

Card from Lisa

Card from Dad and Shannon

I also got a couple of cards in the mail. A lovely one from my friend Lisa and her husband. Another from my Dad and Step-mother. Both of them made me cry because they were very sweet and thoughtful.
 












There were also two plants delivered to our house to let us know others were thinking of us. One came from our good friends April and Brian, the other came from a nurse from the hospital where we delivered Brinley named Stacey. We have spoke a few times since she had a loss like mine.

Plant from April and Brian

Flowers from Stacey

 





We left my house about 3pm to go get our ears pierced but it turns out I couldn't because I am pregnant. I knew I wouldn't be able to get a tattoo because I was pregnant which is what I had originally wanted to do for her birthday. I'm disappointed I couldn't get this done but I would much rather wait and be safe for my rainbow baby.






Back at my house Jenna showed up with the cake about 4:30pm. It was big and green with lots of flowers and some butterflies and dragonflies on it. It had her name written on it too. It was very pretty and yummy!

Over the next few hours my sister visited and some other friends came by. We ate cake and sat around talking. My friend and doula, Ashley, and her friend came by with their kids and hung out for awhile.









We ended the night with lighting sky lanterns and setting them loose from our front yard. We invited our neighbors to come over and let a sky lantern go for their daughter that was stillborn over 30 years ago. I have included a video at the end of us letting go of some of the sky lanterns.

I received a few more things today in honor of Brinley. The first thing was a car decal from my Dad and Step-mom pictured below. The other was another decal in honor of Brinley from my good friend Beronica and her husband also pictured below. I have put them both on my car and I think they look great.

Decal from Dad and Shannon

Decal from Beronica and family

It was a very long day but I'm happy with the way our daughter was remembered. I wasn't in a sad mood all day. I think this is in part because I had my breakdowns earlier in the week. It was just a lovely day to celebrate the birth of our daughter, Brinley.

I am amazed by all of the people she has touched with her short life and love her so.

Happy 1st Birthday Brinley!

I have a lot to say about today so I will be posting an update tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to my Brinley. 

Mommy loves you!

Ideas for 1st Angelversary

As August 18th approaches I am trying to figure out how I want to celebrate Brinley's 1st Angelversary in heaven.


So far all I have come up with is to have a small family get together. I think I'm going to start the day at the beach watching the sunrise and maybe write her name in the sand and take some pictures. At night I want to go let some sky lanterns go over the ocean.

I've also thought about making some memory boxes for families at Conway Hospital that I can donate in her name but I am running out of time to do this... I did order some cards for Faces Of Loss that can be handed out to new baby loss moms and dads.

I think this sounds like a good day. I hope that it is gentle on my heart. I'm not really looking forward to it. I can't believe it has almost been a year since I got that horrible news that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Brinley's Month

Well it is here, August. The last month I had with my little girl growing and moving inside me. The month I gave birth to my born still daughter. This past Monday was August 1st, 2011 and I awoke in a very depressed mood. Most days I feel great and have a great attitude but then some days, days like this past Monday, I wake up and want to cry all day. I think my husband could tell it was one of those days for me. He gave me extra hugs and told me not to stress too much. Ha!

This day I had to take a test for my Biology class first thing in the morning so I was stressed about that. I also had my final exams this week. If I haven't said before I was taking two classes over the summer, Biology and Astronomy. On my drive into work someone decided they had to make a left turn right in front of me so they came from two lanes over from my right to get in front of me and make an immediate left turn. I had to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting them! Now in the mood I was already in and not being quite awake enough to deal with this I called my husband to vent. I'm on the verge of tears on my way into work and talking to him always makes me feel better. He gave me some speech on life is a roller-coaster or something, it made me laugh a little.

As my day went on it was pretty uneventful. I took my test and made a 75 on it, I had a really hard time comprehending the material apparently. I was a little busy at work so it made the day go by faster. As I stepped outside to make a phone call to my husband in the afternoon there was a dragonfly on the ground next to me. It let me get really close to it to get a good picture.

Isn't he beautiful? This made me feel a little better like my daughter was telling me to cheer up. Well about 4 pm I was sitting at my desk and thought " I haven't noticed Little Bird moving other than first thing this morning. " So I sat there for a minute trying to wake her up and get her moving but I didn't feel any response so I decided to leave a little early and head over to the doctor's office so they could check for her heartbeat.

While putting my things in the back of my car I found a dime! It was right inside the back of my Trailblazer. This was the 3rd time I had been in the back of the car today and I had not seen this dime the first two times so I have no idea where it came from! Another wink from Brinley!

Getting winks from her always makes me smile but the short drive and wait at the doctor's office was still hard. I arrived there and told them, as I started to cry again, that I was having a bad day and wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat so they got me a nurse. While I was sitting in the waiting room trying to keep my thoughts under control I felt a little movement from Little Bird so I felt somewhat better. Once the nurse took me back and let me listen to her heartbeat I felt ten times better. She said her heartbeat was strong and she wasn't stressed it was just me that was stressed. The nurse was sweet and gave me a hug and told me to take all the time I needed. I cried for a little bit and composed myself before leaving.

I had to go drop off my niece's guitar so I stopped by my sister's work to give it to her since she was working. When I went to get the guitar out of the back of the car I saw another dime on the ground!

Now I haven't found a dime in forever but have had several people tell me they have found them and thought of me and Brinley. My mom found two dimes one day while she was out and about. My dad found a dime just after he was thinking of me while he was riding his motorcycle. The day he called to tell me about it I missed his call but when I called him back he was bending over to pick up another dime at that exact moment I called!

I had another BLM post on my FB wall about finding them.

"Heather, I keep forgetting to tell you but I've been finding dimes EVERYWHERE! a couple at home and at work. one fell out of no where!"

And just yesterday I was tagged in a picture of another dime a friend found just after she was thinking about doing my pregnancy photos for Little Bird. She does photography professionally and has offered to take my pregnancy photos this time around. She is more of an acquaintance than a friend. We bought our chocolate lab from her and we have remained friends on FB. She is not a BLM and has always been very kind and nice. We haven't spent much time getting to know each other outside of FB so this makes it even more special to know she was thinking of us and our sweet girl.
Here is the picture and what she said.

"Heather, I was grocery shopping this afternoon with my daughter and we got out of the car and this was right next to my door. I had been thinking about doing your maternity photos not five minutes earlier and thinking how I was looking forward to it. I remember reading your post yesterday and wanting to tell you how much I admire you for your courage, strength, and willingness to share your feelings and sorrow through your blogs and facebook. I wanted to say something yesterday, but haven't had a chance to sit down to do so... I guess someone knew I was thinking of you and that I needed to pass along. :-) I hope this brightens your day and I look forward to doing your pictures for you."

These aren't the only people who have told me about dimes, I have had cousins and aunts and other friends tell me about finding them all year long. I can't express how much love I have been shown over the past year. It warms my heart to know that my baby girl hasn't been forgotten and that she has touched so many through her short life here on earth. As for the rest of my day it was pretty uneventful. I went home and got some rest which I really needed.

I know this post was really long but I had a lot to say and now that my finals are over I plan to be more active again with my blogging. Counting the days to her birthday....15 more to go!

11 months

Last Monday was Brinley's 11 month angelversary. I thought about her all day but tried to ignore my feelings of despair, hurt, anger, and sadness. 11 months have passed yet it still feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye. This past 11 months have flown by so quickly. Now I'm counting down the days until her 1 year birthday in heaven.

I remember being in the hospital thinking that I was glad for this horrible event of losing my baby to happen to me instead of someone else. I thought, "I am strong enough to get through this."

I have been strong but I have also been weak. I have broke down crying so many times over the past 11 months. I have also tried to help others and be a source of strength for those that follow in my footsteps.

There is something about being a baby loss momma that requires everyone you know to tell you about every baby they hear about dying. I guess they think, "Oh this person has suffered this kind of loss I must tell them." It is so hard to hear about yet another mother and father going through the same pain and hurt that we have. I just wish this didn't happen but it does.


Just over the past couple of weeks I have heard of one baby that had a bowel movement while still in the womb and was asked to pray for this baby's safe entry into this world. Later that same day another FB friend posted her best friend had just lost her baby that was 3 weeks old to SIDS. The first baby was fine in the end but I waited two days to hear this news and was stressed worrying about this baby and mother. The second mother was not so lucky and now lives in the world of baby loss.

Just a few days ago I received an email letting me know that a distant cousin of mine just lost her baby on July 4th. After doing some investigating I found out that she was due on July 14 so she only had about a week left before her due date.

My heart is breaking for these mothers because I know their pain. I wish I didn't have to hear about there losses but am glad I can provide support as someone who has been there. It just ruins my day and brings back all those emotions I felt just 11 short months ago. I pray that one day it will get easier to hear about these losses because I know they won't stop. I hope to be able to be a source of support throughout my life to other baby loss mothers.

I get anxious everytime I hear about someone else going into labor or having a baby. I worry that they will have the same fate that I did. I wish I didn't have these thoughts. I expect every pregnancy to end in a loss because that is what I know to be true for me. I'm almost surprised to hear that they have an alive baby in the end.

Missing my baby Brinley. I'm so glad she has made be the stronger person I am today. There is nothing I can go through that is worse than having to say goodbye to her. I now know I can handle anything that comes my way.



 

10 months gone too soon

Dear Brinley Love,

Today I woke up early to go watch the sunrise. I did this for a fellow BLM (Baby Loss Momma) who was in my pregnancy after loss group. She was 16 weeks pregnant after losing 2 babies before this one and found out the other day that this baby no longer had a heartbeat. It is moments like these that remind me to enjoy every second because you never know what will happen. I am currently 19 week and 3 days pregnant with your little sister so the reality of losing another baby is on my mind all the time. Although I receive so much support from these women it is also a source of reminders of how quick it call all go wrong. They need me as much as I need them. So in going back to why I went to the beach for the sunrise; this BLM had requested pictures of the sunset but since the sunrises over the ocean here I thought I would get a picture of the sunrise. I also thought this would be a great way to start the day in remembering you. I awoke at 5:30 am, which is WAY early for your mother, this morning to head to the beach by myself. The very first picture I took of the sunrise had a beautiful heart in the clouds. I just knew it was from you.

When I got back home I uploaded the pictures first to my pregnancy after loss group for this BLM along with this statement.
"For every sunset there is a sunrise."

I also uploaded the pictures to my Facebook album and posted this picture above as part of a status update about it being your 10 month angelversary. I had also seen a dragonfly and bumble bee today. I knew you were with me all day. I was waiting to find my dime but I never did. Turns out you sent it to my friend Morgan. This is the comment she posted for me....

""dude i thought about you guys today...one of the girls at work was walking by me and she said "oh wow, a dime! you never find those on the ground!" i thought of someone who does all the time! she picked it up before i could take a picture of it for you. but you were in my thoughts today!! ♥""

 I love that you send me dimes in all kinds of special ways. I miss you so much baby girl.

MUCH LOVE,

Your mommy

My worries

One of the last trips we took before I had Brinley was to Santee on the lake. It was the first weekend of August and it was hot. I was 8 months pregnant at the time so the trip wasn't very far from where we live. We have been several times before and it is a nice getaway for cheap. We figured it would be our last trip before having the baby in our lives.

The place we stay at has little camper trailers you can rent for the weekend so that is what we rented. It had a couch that when you sat on it you were on the floor. Needless to say it was difficult for me to get up from it at 8 months pregnant. It was also hot, very hot. We were right on the side of the lake but the water is dark and the ground is muddy underneath so I don't like to get in it. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the trailer by myself since Mark had a fishing buddy come with and Alec had a friend come with so they were out on the water a lot.

There was one day I sat on a lounge chair by the lake side and there must have been a million dragonflies flying around. It was pretty amazing. I have never seen that many dragonflies at once and that is one of the reasons dragonflies remind me of Brinley.

My husband has been talking about going back to Santee again over the summer and I'm a little weary to go. Mostly because the last time we went I was pregnant with Brinley and I know that is what will be on my mind the majority of the time I'm there. The other reason is because I'm currently pregnant again and worry that I may have got some kind of infection last time that led to Brinley's death. It is an irrational fear since there was no mention of an infection but since I don't really know what happened to her it is one of the things I have often wondered about.

I did mention this to Mark yesterday...

So today as I was walking into work I found another dime in the parking lot. I felt like this was Brinley saying everything is alright.