Day 9

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

 I technically don't have other children but I do have a 14yo step-daughter who lives with us. Brinley's loss hasn't really affected her in a way that she has problems in school or life. I know that she understands what happened and she is saddened by it. She worries about her new little sister who has yet to be born. She was very excited to finally have a little sibling when we were pregnant with Brinley. I know that she will love her new little sister just that much more.

As for how the loss has affected my relationship with my husband... I can't really say it has. We have already been through so much together. Brinley's death didn't have a negative affect on our relationship. I guess it has brought us closer. This is a horrible experience we both went through. It is another fiber that makes us stronger as a couple. If we can get through this and make it out together then we can handle anything, I believe.

14 months ago today I gave birth to my little girl. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. As much as we all miss still her I know I am stronger today because of Brinley.

Day 8

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I feel that I have more good days than bad ones now. It the beginning it was the opposite but here I am almost 14 months out from having her and most days are good. It sure didn't feel like I would ever get here in the beginning. Although now that I am 36 weeks pregnant again and I lost Brinley at 37 weeks it is getting harder and harder to have good days but I'm sure that will subside after I have this baby. Still hoping that I get to bring her home this time around. I don't know what I would do if I lost her too.

Day 7

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

Yes, I do several things to honor my angel....

I wear a necklace with a little dragonfly on it that represents her. We also have a window cabinet at the house that holds her ashes as well as several other things that represent her like Christmas ornaments, pictures, and figurines. I was given two, In Memory Of, decals for her 1 year angelversary that are on my car. We participate in the Walk to Remember every year. (This was the second year we went. The first year was only 2 months after I had her.)

I have donated Faces of Loss cards to the hospital where I had her. And I am trying to start up a local BLM group too.

I'm always looking for ways to honor my daughter. It is all I can do to keep her memory alive.



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Day 6

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?


I haven't really been asked this question until I was pregnant again. I get the "Is this your first?" question a lot. I have always said, "No, I had a late term loss last year." If they ask more then I tell more but usually they just say, "Oh, sorry." 


I wish they would ask more about Brinley. For the first time the other day I just answered yes to that question. Sometimes it is just easier to not have to explain it to every stranger I come across. I don't deny my daughter, I love her very much. I want to let people know that stillbirth does happen. It happened to me. Maybe they have had a loss as well but haven't met anyone else that has. 


It really has to be accessed each time the question is asked whether I want to share or not. Up until now, for me, it has been to tell everyone but now I'm starting to pick and chose who I share her with. 

Day 5 & Walk to Remember

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

Yes, every time I see a dragonfly I'm reminded of her. Every time I find a dime I know she is thinking of me. And every time I see a bumble bee I feel her love. I have a few winks for my little girl. They usually come when I need them most.

Yesterday was the Walk to Remember at the Conway Medical Center and while we were outside listening to the music I saw two dragonflies flying around and knew that she was with me. It brought a smile out of my tears for her loss.

The theme for the walk was butterflies. Some of the meaning behind a butterfly is that it represents change and hope for the future


In the grief process, the bereaved person must learn how to deal with the loss, or significant change. Many people may hide away from the rest of the world much like being in a cocoon while trying to heal. This cocoon phase is one of transformation and often introspection and reflection. The process ends as the person emerges from their cocoon, metamorphosed into a different person. Thus the transformation of the grieving process is much like the story of the butterfly.

 
A Symbol of Hope
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
~Unknown~

Day 4

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Knowing that I could use this experience to help others. I have tried to keep a positive outlook in life. Some days I just don't understand why I had to lose my daughter but then something happens that reminds me that I can now offer support to others who have had a loss. I have met several mothers over the past 13 months who are asking the same questions I asked in the beginning. I don't have the answers but I know how to listen and cry with them and sometimes that is all they need. Having someone who feels your pain and doesn't have the words to try and "fix it". Someone to just say yes this totally sucks!! No, it isn't fair!!

Here I am a year later and I am trying to start up a local group for women like me. I participate in many online groups where I can talk about my feelings without feeling judged. I want this for the women locally who maybe don't get online or who haven't found that support yet. There is a void in my area for this kind of support and I want to help fill it.

Day 3

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

The answer to this question is most definitely my husband. I was just thinking this morning how special it is that I share this tremendous life changing event with him. How much he has been my strength and comfort through the hard days. It was something that has brought us closer and I know that out of everyone in my life he is the only one who knows how I truly feel from day to day. As he said the other day, "She will always be the one who is missing from our family and we can't wait to see her again."

My husband, my rock, my best friend.