Sadness

I've had a sadness since Christmas that I can't seem to shake. I miss Brinley so much. I miss everything I didn't get to see or do with her. I miss her little hugs and smiles. Having Ever has really brought these feelings to the forefront for me. I am watching her grow and change everyday and can't help but think about Brinley and what I didn't get to see her doing. Some days she seems like a distant memory, like she wasn't real. Could I really be the mother of a baby in heaven? It is surreal.

At what point are you considered depressed? I feel like everyday I will feel better the next day but I don't . Sure I go to work, do my school work, and take care of my daughter with a smile but I am sad.

Ever is two months old going on three and every time she does something new I want to cry and sometimes I do because I never got to see Brinley do that. I just want to be happy again. I want to have both my babies here on earth to hug and hold. To watch them grow up together.

As a busy mother to an infant I don't have time to sit down and write much and I think I really need to. I have lost my outlet and that might be why I have been so sad. I have so many emotions in me that I need to get out. I am sleep deprived which I'm sure doesn't help either.

I don't like being sad and always try to find something to be happy about but it is so hard these days to keep a positive attitude. Right now I want to be cynical and angry. I don't want to be nice and polite with people. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide until next year already.

Creme de la Creme

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2011

I haven't heard of this before but another blogger posted that she entered and after checking it out I sent in my entry as well. Looking forward to having some great blogs to read.

I encourage you to submit one of your favorite blog posts from last year too. The entry form closes tonight so hurry quick and get your entry in.

This is the post I submitted.
http://brinleylove.blogspot.com/2011/08/brinleys-month.html

Regrets

I regret splitting my blogs from my pregnancy blog with Brinley to this grief blog for Brinley and my new pregnancy blog with Ever. I wish there was a way to combine them now...

On another note I had my baby girl Ever on Halloween. I remember Halloween last year was such a terrible day. I was so sad to not have Brinley here to take trick or treating. I spent the night locked up in my house making a memory book for her and crying. I still cried a lot back then. It has only been 2 months since I lost her. That seems like so long ago now. I still cry from time to time. Especially when my baby, Brinley's little sister, does something that makes me smile or laugh I think of Brinley and what I have been missing out on the last 15 months.

I also regret I haven't made more time to write. I miss writing. I need to get these feelings out, it helps my sanity.

Well I guess that is it for this blog as my new baby is crying and needs me. <3 I love her and Brinley so much!

Day 9

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

 I technically don't have other children but I do have a 14yo step-daughter who lives with us. Brinley's loss hasn't really affected her in a way that she has problems in school or life. I know that she understands what happened and she is saddened by it. She worries about her new little sister who has yet to be born. She was very excited to finally have a little sibling when we were pregnant with Brinley. I know that she will love her new little sister just that much more.

As for how the loss has affected my relationship with my husband... I can't really say it has. We have already been through so much together. Brinley's death didn't have a negative affect on our relationship. I guess it has brought us closer. This is a horrible experience we both went through. It is another fiber that makes us stronger as a couple. If we can get through this and make it out together then we can handle anything, I believe.

14 months ago today I gave birth to my little girl. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. As much as we all miss still her I know I am stronger today because of Brinley.

Day 8

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I feel that I have more good days than bad ones now. It the beginning it was the opposite but here I am almost 14 months out from having her and most days are good. It sure didn't feel like I would ever get here in the beginning. Although now that I am 36 weeks pregnant again and I lost Brinley at 37 weeks it is getting harder and harder to have good days but I'm sure that will subside after I have this baby. Still hoping that I get to bring her home this time around. I don't know what I would do if I lost her too.

Day 7

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

Yes, I do several things to honor my angel....

I wear a necklace with a little dragonfly on it that represents her. We also have a window cabinet at the house that holds her ashes as well as several other things that represent her like Christmas ornaments, pictures, and figurines. I was given two, In Memory Of, decals for her 1 year angelversary that are on my car. We participate in the Walk to Remember every year. (This was the second year we went. The first year was only 2 months after I had her.)

I have donated Faces of Loss cards to the hospital where I had her. And I am trying to start up a local BLM group too.

I'm always looking for ways to honor my daughter. It is all I can do to keep her memory alive.



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Day 6

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?


I haven't really been asked this question until I was pregnant again. I get the "Is this your first?" question a lot. I have always said, "No, I had a late term loss last year." If they ask more then I tell more but usually they just say, "Oh, sorry." 


I wish they would ask more about Brinley. For the first time the other day I just answered yes to that question. Sometimes it is just easier to not have to explain it to every stranger I come across. I don't deny my daughter, I love her very much. I want to let people know that stillbirth does happen. It happened to me. Maybe they have had a loss as well but haven't met anyone else that has. 


It really has to be accessed each time the question is asked whether I want to share or not. Up until now, for me, it has been to tell everyone but now I'm starting to pick and chose who I share her with.