So...its been a while, sorry.

Life has not stopped for me. I have had a lot going on this year between school, work, and home. I have had some depression creep in on me and seeked help for it. I'm feeling better these days and have had blogging on my mind a lot lately. So today seemed to be the right day to jump back in. Last month was Brinley's 3rd angelversary. I raised money for Molly Bears for her birthday. I ended up raising just over $300 through Jamberry Nails sales and from personal donations on Rally. If you would like to make a donation you can click on the Rally link to donate. :-) I would be forever grateful.

I'm keeping this post short since I have school work I need to work on so I'm going to leave you with this crazy dream I had last night.

I had an old friend from high school that I ran into ask if she could get a tattoo of my dead baby. She wanted her to look all bruised up in the tattoo and have Hang Gang written under it. At first I thought she wanted to get the tattoo to remember Brinley but then she explained it was to represent this gang she had joined! I told her HELL no she couldn't use my baby's picture for that. Then she pulled out this picture and long post I had written saying that anyone could use her picture for tattoos after she was first stillborn. 

I mean, WTF was that about? I don't often dream about Brinley. Actually I don't think I've ever had a dream about her living. I'm really sad about that.

Memories and grief

I will say during my whole pregnancy I kept saying that I wasn't ready to be a mother. I wasn't ready for a baby... I was 27 and until the week before she was born I didn't feel ready. As soon as I said that I felt I was ready she died... I was 37 weeks pregnant when I found out she no longer had a heartbeat... "There is no heartbeat" :***( Those are the most awful words I have ever heard. I was heartbroken to say the least but even in those few days after losing her I'm sure there were times where I laughed. I surrounded myself with people to keep my mind from going to those dark places and breaking down. I knew there would be time for that when everyone went back to living their lives and I was still left without my daughter...


Grief is different for everyone. I don't feel like one loss is better or worse than another. A miscarriage can be devastating for someone who really wants a baby or has trouble getting pregnant. How is that any different than a baby dying at 20 weeks, 35 weeks, or a few days old? I don't think it is. It is a bad situation for that person in that time. Now depending on what you have going on in your life a miscarriage might not be all that bad for you. I have a "friend" that said she was happy she had 3 miscarriages!!! I was kind of in shock when I heard that come out of her mouth. She had already had 2 children and just didn't know how she could have more. For her a miscarriage was no big thing, just another kid she didn't have to feed.

After losing Brinley I feel like I really appreciate Ever more than I might have. I realize how precious and fragile life is everyday because of Brinley. I also learned how strong of a person I am because of Brinley. She is never far from my thoughts. As a baby loss mother I appreciate it when others cry over her loss. I know she touched someone in life that never got to meet her. She will never be around to leave memories with the people she meets and every year she will be remembered by less and less others. I imagine eventually it will just be me.

2 years out

Brinley's birthday has just passed. She would have been 2 had she been born alive. It is unreal to think I have a dead baby. It feels foreign to me. I can't fathom it but it happened. It happened to me.

Since her death I have reached out and met so many wonderful women. I have had another baby, her younger sister. I have spoke to students in the nursing field about my experience to help educate them. I have finished my bachelor degree. I had her name inscribed on the memorial stone at the hospital. I have started a support group for other babyloss moms in my area. I donated a crocheted blanket from my grandmother in memory of Brinley to the hospital and I have finally gotten her memorial tattoo.

That was what I planned to do for her 2 year angelversary but I got sick so it got postponed another week. So this past weekend I went and got her name and a dragonfly tattooed on my wrist. I also dropped off the blanket my grandmother, Brinley's great-grandmother, crocheted. It is her original pattern she had named after Brinley. Pictured is the original blanket she won a first place ribbon on.
The group has had a slow beginning but I hope it will grow into something beautiful for the local women in my area. I wish I had more time to dedicate to it but I have other engagements like work, my family, and continuing my education so I do what I can. Eventually it will grow. All that matters is I've started it in Brinley's name.

Life goes on as usual. I remember her and still think of her often but the initial pain and hurt is gone. Now I strive to keep her memory alive.

It is hard though. This year there was a significant drop in the out-pore of love on her birthday and that is ok. It is easy to forget someone who was here for such a short time. She will be forever burned into my heart and soul as well as a few others. That is all that matters.

 

Summer time

It is that time of the year again. Her birthday is approaching quickly. Less than a month to go. Less than 20 days to go. To be exact 19 more days until my first born would have been 2 years old.

Although if she had lived she may have a different birthday than what she does but it is her day none the less. It has been months since I've written anything here. I have let myself get consumed with the life of a mother to a living baby lately. I often think that I need to come write but haven't made the time to do so.

I miss Brinley every.single.day. She is on my mind constantly. I often wonder how it would be raising her and her lil sister. I have taken to using cloth diapers with Ever and just recently bought an Angel Fluff for Brinley's Molly Bear. They are so cute. I can't wait to get Brinley's first and only cloth diaper.

With her birthday approaching I have no plans on how to celebrate yet. The only thing I can think of is getting her name tattooed like I have always wanted to do. Her day is on a Saturday so I think it would be perfect.

In the time away I have started a Face2Face group for other babyloss moms in the area. We have had 2 meetings with only 2 in attendance but interest from others. It is new and hopefully will grow. I've got some things in the works for helping it get bigger. I worry that I try to take on too much at once. I go back to school in September plus work so I'm not sure how much time I will have for the group but it is something I'm doing for Brinley and her memory.

Anyway I just wanted to post a quick update. I'm always close by... <3

Missing

I don't know why it amazes me that after 20 months I still miss that life that grew inside of me for 9 months. I recently went to a mommy and baby group where their was a boy that was the same age as Brinley. He was walking around and getting into things. It is hard for me to imagine a little toddler Brinley. She will always be a baby to me. That is what I got to know her as, kiss her, hold her, and say goodbye to her as, my baby. Some days it just seems unreal this life I live without my baby. There will always be one missing...

Molly Bears NEEDS Donations

 Molly Bears needs donations!!

These people made my Brinley Bear for free. I donated several times and so have my friends and family. My bear weighs the same weight as Brinley did when she was born, 6lbs 1oz. As you can imagine it costs a lot of money to make and ship a bear of that weight. It is about $40 a bear. It is high quality and I love it so much. 

Would you PLEASE find it in your heart to help give this gift to other women who have lost a baby by donating a few dollars to their cause?

You can donate through the link below...


https://rally.org/photos/25g1zwfczA5

Or on their FB page...

https://www.facebook.com/MollyBearsOrg/app_4949752878?ref=ts
 

Small Bird Studios

So I recently won a BIG Giveaway on FB and this month I have an XL add space on Small Bird Studio's Blog.  And I just want to say a special thank you to Fran for making my button that is on her page!!

I'm super excited and want to welcome all my new readers. Just to give you a little information about me...

I am a baby loss mom. My daughter, Brinley, was stillborn in August of 2010 at 37 weeks due to what we believe was a cord accident. This blog was and still is my way of working through my grief. A place to get my feelings out. I am by no means a professional writer but I do enjoy writing.

As you are looking around my blog you may notice that I haven't wrote much lately. This is because I recently gave birth to my rainbow baby, Ever, whom I write about in another blog called The Rainbow Gave Thee Birth. I am also a student in college and work full-time so my time is pretty occupied currently. I will be finishing my degree in May and hope to have more time to write so please stick around or follow my other blog if you want.

I love both my children dearly and wish everyday that I had them both on this earth. If you have suffered a loss or losses then I hope that you find some peace in knowing that you are not alone in your grief by reading my blog. If you haven't suffered a loss then I hope that you find some knowledge into the life of a mother without her child and learn ways to help others should you ever need to.

Thanks for reading!!