Beary Hard 6 Months

Today on Brinley's 6 month angelversary I received a very special gift from one of my bestest friends. A weighted teddy bear that weighs as much as Brinley did when she was born, 6lbs 1oz. She took the time to pick out an outfit and fill the bear with rice and rocks until she weighed the right weight. She also gave me a card with a lovely note in it telling me how much she loved me and how often she thought of Brinley.

She got the idea from Molly Bears where I am currently on the waiting list. I can't believe how heavy she was. It also made me realize how important donations are for Molly Bears. It costs a lot of money to make these bears and ship them out to mothers that are missing that weight in their arms. So if you feel it in your heart I urge you to make a donation to Molly Bears in Brinley's name for her 6 month angelversary. You can make a donation HERE.

 So a big hug and thank you to Jenna! I love you girl.

So my husband and I watch this HBO series called Big Love. We have been getting the DVDs from Netflix and are currently on season 4. We last season Sarah, the daughter of Bill and Barb who are polygamists, had a miscarriage. Now when she got pregnant she was unmarried and a teenager and in this article the actress that plays Sarah talks about how she feels let down that the writers had her character have a miscarriage.

Well I hadn't had Brinley yet when I saw that episode of the miscarriage so I don't remember it affecting me as much. We are now watching season 4 and in the episode I just watched last night Sarah is now married and something she did in that episode got to me. She had taken in a lady and her baby and was taking care of the baby while the lady was away. Well Sarah's mother and father showed up and told her she had to give up the baby because the mother was saying that Sarah had taken her baby. Sarah held onto the baby and you could tell she finally had in her arms what she had been longing for, the baby she had lost. She was surprised with herself for the emotions she felt towards that baby. It made her realize that she had some ignored grief that she needed to deal with. I love that someone realized how having that baby in her arms would have awaken those emotions in her.




This bear, my Brinley Bear, has filled a little of that void I've had in my arms. I can't wait to hold my baby again one day.

Loving and missing her always! <3

No I am not still pregnant

Today started out like any other day. I got up made breakfast which consisted of a Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg & Cheese Croissant then got in the car to head to work. I usually eat a couple bites then take the sausage off and throw it away so I rolled my car window down and proceeded to throw my sausage out the window when I heard it smack the window and fall into the front seat. I had rolled the back window down instead of the front. I needed to drink my coffee apparently. lol The smudge below was from that sausage.

So after I cleaned my window, yes I carry window cleaner in my car, I went into work. Throughout the day I had a few people that hadn't seen me since I came back to work after having Brinley tell me they were sorry to hear of my loss. I had others ask me how I have been doing. All of this got me emotional and brought up tears.

Lastly I ran into someone who was going to make the vegetable bars for my work's holiday luncheon on Wednesday because I told her I wanted that and I would trade with her to bring something else. So I asked if she was still making them and she said she couldn't because she had another event that she had to go through. Then she proceeded to pat my belly and say "I'm sorry baby."

WTF I'm not pregnant! Matter fact my baby died! I felt so bad and am sure she didn't realize what had happened. I was actually in shock that that just happened. I didn't have the heart to break down crying on her and correct her mistake so I smiled and said goodbye, went to my car to drive back to the building my office is in and broke down crying on the way back over there. I tried to call a fellow BLM because I wanted to tell someone who would know where I was coming from what just happened but got her voicemail. I managed to talk to a fellow co-worker who is also a BLM about it when the person I tried to call, called back. Anyway that event was the final straw for my day. I cried for a while by myself in the office, composed myself long enough to call another co-worker and ask her to let that person know what she did to me then called it a day and went home.

Tears I shed that had fallen on my desk.

That event ruined my day. I want to lose weight and hate that I look pregnant still.

Family

Tonight our neighbor surprised us when they invited us over for cake and ice cream. They were celebrating Jim's 72nd birthday today. While sitting there with their family I couldn't help but think about how much I want to have a large family. Family are there for you no matter what comes your way. I want to have a lot of kids so they can have lots of grandkids for us. :) That would make me happy. Brinley was the first of many children I want to have. It is tragic to have this set back but it will not hold us back.

It also made me miss my grandparents. We are planning on visiting them this winter. I know their health is not what it used to be and I cherish every moment I get with them.

I love my family.