Wednesday, July 20, 2011

11 months

Last Monday was Brinley's 11 month angelversary. I thought about her all day but tried to ignore my feelings of despair, hurt, anger, and sadness. 11 months have passed yet it still feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye. This past 11 months have flown by so quickly. Now I'm counting down the days until her 1 year birthday in heaven.

I remember being in the hospital thinking that I was glad for this horrible event of losing my baby to happen to me instead of someone else. I thought, "I am strong enough to get through this."

I have been strong but I have also been weak. I have broke down crying so many times over the past 11 months. I have also tried to help others and be a source of strength for those that follow in my footsteps.

There is something about being a baby loss momma that requires everyone you know to tell you about every baby they hear about dying. I guess they think, "Oh this person has suffered this kind of loss I must tell them." It is so hard to hear about yet another mother and father going through the same pain and hurt that we have. I just wish this didn't happen but it does.

Just over the past couple of weeks I have heard of one baby that had a bowel movement while still in the womb and was asked to pray for this baby's safe entry into this world. Later that same day another FB friend posted her best friend had just lost her baby that was 3 weeks old to SIDS. The first baby was fine in the end but I waited two days to hear this news and was stressed worrying about this baby and mother. The second mother was not so lucky and now lives in the world of baby loss.

Just a few days ago I received an email letting me know that a distant cousin of mine just lost her baby on July 4th. After doing some investigating I found out that she was due on July 14 so she only had about a week left before her due date.

My heart is breaking for these mothers because I know their pain. I wish I didn't have to hear about there losses but am glad I can provide support as someone who has been there. It just ruins my day and brings back all those emotions I felt just 11 short months ago. I pray that one day it will get easier to hear about these losses because I know they won't stop. I hope to be able to be a source of support throughout my life to other baby loss mothers.

I get anxious everytime I hear about someone else going into labor or having a baby. I worry that they will have the same fate that I did. I wish I didn't have these thoughts. I expect every pregnancy to end in a loss because that is what I know to be true for me. I'm almost surprised to hear that they have an alive baby in the end.

Missing my baby Brinley. I'm so glad she has made be the stronger person I am today. There is nothing I can go through that is worse than having to say goodbye to her. I now know I can handle anything that comes my way.