Thursday, November 18, 2010

Brinley's Story

So for the 3 month mark after Brinley's birth I decided to post my story of Brinley's life.
From the beginning I was scared of the little life inside of me. I didn't know what I would do with a baby. I didn't feel ready yet to be a mother. Of course I loved little kids but babies? Babies were a different kind of commitment. They completely rely on you for their comfort of living. It took me 8 months to be ready to have this new baby in my life. I was feeling ready to take care of her for the rest of my life. I looked forward to holding her, dressing her, feeding her, and playing with her. She was going to be a new chapter in my life that I was excited to start writing.
My baby Brinley was a perfect little girl who didn't give her mommy too much trouble during her pregnancy. It was better than I could have hoped for. I was thankful for having no issues throughout the entire pregnancy. I did everything right, I didn't eat hot dogs or drink or smoke. I tried to stay active and eat healthy through most of my pregnancy. I took my prenatal vitamins and later the iron supplements. I went to all my doctor appointments and everything was great.

During My pregnancy I enjoyed listening to music loud thinking about what my daughter might like to hear. I thought about reading books to her but for me that just felt weird. I wish I had now. I had fun poking her and feeling her move around. I enjoyed seeing her at each of the ultrasounds I had during the months she was with me. I got to see her pick her nose, move her arms and legs, and position herself in ways I couldn't even imagine moving my body. I hope that she enjoyed her short stay with us.

I was 36 weeks 5 days when I had a doctor appointment on Friday Aug 13 and Brinley's heartbeat was very strong. I felt her moving later on that day so I know she was still alive. I was scheduled for another doctor appointment the next week on Tue Aug 17. The next day, Saturday, I had a breastfeeding class and a newborn care class. My best friend went with me to both since my mom wasn't able to. We then went shopping for some maternity shirts for me so it was a long day. Sunday I was tired and stayed home to rest. I don't know if Brinley was still alive during all of this because I can't remember if I felt her move over the weekend. Monday I had a busy day at work so again I don't know if she was still moving or not. Monday night Aug 16 I thought that I hadn't felt her move but I was already in bed and knew I had a doctor appointment the next day so I went to bed.

Tuesday morning came and all day at work I tried to see if I could feel Brinley move and I hadn't. My doctor appointment was at 4pm that day and I had a feeling something was wrong but hoped I was wrong. When the nurse tried to find her heartbeat there was nothing. She left to get another Doppler and have the U/S machine started up. I broke down crying, my mom was with me thank god. When the nurse returned instead of using another Doppler she took me to the U/S room and they looked at Brinley. No heartbeat...I hate to even think of this day. So with one doctor on vacation and the other doctor in surgery for the day they asked if I wanted to go to the hospital or go home and come back first thing in the morning. I chose to go home and spend the night with my family since they wouldn't be able to do anything until the morning anyway.

My mom took me back to her house where my sister, brother, husband, and step-daughter met us. We ordered pizza and sat around talking and hugging and crying. The next day I showed up at the hospital at 7am to be induced. I gave birth to my first child at 5:41pm Aug 18, 2010. She weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19 inches long. I was 37 weeks and 3 days when Brinley grew her angel wings.

They asked before I had her if I wanted to hold her immediatley or after she was cleaned and I said after she was cleaned. Apparently the doctor wasn't notified of this because she put her right on my chest after she was born. I broke down crying as soon as she was out so I don't remember a lot about what she looked like. My DH got to cut the umbilical cord then they took her to clean her and take pictures as well as hand and foot prints.

When they brought her back all of my family that was there took turns holding her. NILMDTS came to take pictures with us and her. I couldn't hold her very much. It was just too hard. I held her while they did pictures and then I put her back in the bassinet. I wish I had held her more, it was just too hard. I asked if she could stay in the room with me overnight but the nurse advised me that probably wasn't a good idea since her body will be cold and her skin was already fragile. I wanted so bad to spend more time with her and hold her but it was just too hard. We didn't undress her or bath her again because of her skin. We ended up with her outfit, some blankets, her footprints, some of her hair, and pictures the hospital took along with photos from NILMDTS. I know my father took some photos that I haven't seen yet.

I have so many regrets from that day but am thankful for the time that I did have. As the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" says I did the best I could at the time.....

Forever loved and missed ~ Brinley Nicole Moore~