Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 9

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

 I technically don't have other children but I do have a 14yo step-daughter who lives with us. Brinley's loss hasn't really affected her in a way that she has problems in school or life. I know that she understands what happened and she is saddened by it. She worries about her new little sister who has yet to be born. She was very excited to finally have a little sibling when we were pregnant with Brinley. I know that she will love her new little sister just that much more.

As for how the loss has affected my relationship with my husband... I can't really say it has. We have already been through so much together. Brinley's death didn't have a negative affect on our relationship. I guess it has brought us closer. This is a horrible experience we both went through. It is another fiber that makes us stronger as a couple. If we can get through this and make it out together then we can handle anything, I believe.

14 months ago today I gave birth to my little girl. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. As much as we all miss still her I know I am stronger today because of Brinley.


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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Day 8

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I feel that I have more good days than bad ones now. It the beginning it was the opposite but here I am almost 14 months out from having her and most days are good. It sure didn't feel like I would ever get here in the beginning. Although now that I am 36 weeks pregnant again and I lost Brinley at 37 weeks it is getting harder and harder to have good days but I'm sure that will subside after I have this baby. Still hoping that I get to bring her home this time around. I don't know what I would do if I lost her too.



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Day 7

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

Yes, I do several things to honor my angel....

I wear a necklace with a little dragonfly on it that represents her. We also have a window cabinet at the house that holds her ashes as well as several other things that represent her like Christmas ornaments, pictures, and figurines. I was given two, In Memory Of, decals for her 1 year angelversary that are on my car. We participate in the Walk to Remember every year. (This was the second year we went. The first year was only 2 months after I had her.)

I have donated Faces of Loss cards to the hospital where I had her. And I am trying to start up a local BLM group too.

I'm always looking for ways to honor my daughter. It is all I can do to keep her memory alive.



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Day 6

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?


I haven't really been asked this question until I was pregnant again. I get the "Is this your first?" question a lot. I have always said, "No, I had a late term loss last year." If they ask more then I tell more but usually they just say, "Oh, sorry." 


I wish they would ask more about Brinley. For the first time the other day I just answered yes to that question. Sometimes it is just easier to not have to explain it to every stranger I come across. I don't deny my daughter, I love her very much. I want to let people know that stillbirth does happen. It happened to me. Maybe they have had a loss as well but haven't met anyone else that has. 


It really has to be accessed each time the question is asked whether I want to share or not. Up until now, for me, it has been to tell everyone but now I'm starting to pick and chose who I share her with. 






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Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 5 & Walk to Remember

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

Yes, every time I see a dragonfly I'm reminded of her. Every time I find a dime I know she is thinking of me. And every time I see a bumble bee I feel her love. I have a few winks for my little girl. They usually come when I need them most.

Yesterday was the Walk to Remember at the Conway Medical Center and while we were outside listening to the music I saw two dragonflies flying around and knew that she was with me. It brought a smile out of my tears for her loss.


The theme for the walk was butterflies. Some of the meaning behind a butterfly is that it represents change and hope for the future


In the grief process, the bereaved person must learn how to deal with the loss, or significant change. Many people may hide away from the rest of the world much like being in a cocoon while trying to heal. This cocoon phase is one of transformation and often introspection and reflection. The process ends as the person emerges from their cocoon, metamorphosed into a different person. Thus the transformation of the grieving process is much like the story of the butterfly.



 
A Symbol of Hope
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
~Unknown~





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Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 4

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Knowing that I could use this experience to help others. I have tried to keep a positive outlook in life. Some days I just don't understand why I had to lose my daughter but then something happens that reminds me that I can now offer support to others who have had a loss. I have met several mothers over the past 13 months who are asking the same questions I asked in the beginning. I don't have the answers but I know how to listen and cry with them and sometimes that is all they need. Having someone who feels your pain and doesn't have the words to try and "fix it". Someone to just say yes this totally sucks!! No, it isn't fair!!

Here I am a year later and I am trying to start up a local group for women like me. I participate in many online groups where I can talk about my feelings without feeling judged. I want this for the women locally who maybe don't get online or who haven't found that support yet. There is a void in my area for this kind of support and I want to help fill it.



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Friday, October 7, 2011

Day 3

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

The answer to this question is most definitely my husband. I was just thinking this morning how special it is that I share this tremendous life changing event with him. How much he has been my strength and comfort through the hard days. It was something that has brought us closer and I know that out of everyone in my life he is the only one who knows how I truly feel from day to day. As he said the other day, "She will always be the one who is missing from our family and we can't wait to see her again."

My husband, my rock, my best friend.

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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Day 2

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.




Alec
  • Step-daughter 
  • 14 years old 
  • DOB July 28th, 1997 
  • Sweetest most loving step-daughter a step-mother could ask for. She is very excited about having a little sister around and can't wait to change the poopy diapers. lol Just kidding she says she is only changing the pee ones. She also misses our Brinley and was very upset about her loss as well.






Brinley
  • 1st daughter 
  • Stillborn at 37 weeks 
  • DOB August 18th, 2010 
  • Showed me how strong of a woman I am. I have learned so much from her and miss her so much everyday. I wish she was here walking around and ready to say hello to her little sister. 








 Little Bird 
  • 2nd daughter 
  • Still baking in mommy's tummy 35 weeks 1 da
  • DOB TBA 
  • She is moving up a storm as I sit here and type this. Already having some contractions yesterday and today. I can't wait to hold and kiss her. I sure hope I get to bring her home.





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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Day 1

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.


I'm a 28 year old mother to one girl in heaven, one girl in my belly, and one who is my husband's daughter from another. What started this blog for me is my angel, Brinley Nicole, who went to heaven in August of 2010. I was writing a pregnancy blog for her at Anonymously Pregnant but when she passed I made a new blog, this blog, dedicated to my life after her death. Right now I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with my second daughter nicknamed Little Bird who I blog about at The Rainbow Gave Thee Birth.

For the past eight years I have been with my husband, married four of those years now. I have also been attending college first for my associates degree in Computer Information Technology and now for my Bachelor degree in the same major. I only have 3 courses to go before I finish. Being pregnant right now and due in November I decided to take this semester off so hopefully I will be able to return and finish in January.

I live next to the ocean in South Carolina and have lived here most of my life. I used to want to move away but now I love living here. They have so much to do and who wouldn't want to live next to the ocean? It is so pretty here.
Taken at the beach on Brinley's 11 month angelversary.

I have three dogs and two chickens for pets. One of the dogs is a yorkie named Buddy. He was the first of the three and is the best dog ever! I love him so much. He was a big part in my healing after losing Brinley.

The other two dogs are Bruce and Bailey (pictured below). Bruce came to live with us when my step-daughter did four years ago. I didn't have a picture of him to upload.  Bailey is a chocolate lab that my husband has always wanted. She is now just over a 1 1/2 old.

That is basically me in a nutshell. I don't blog for fame or money, it is just a way for me to get my feelings out and share my life with family and friends who don't live close by. It has really helped in my healing process over the past year as well.



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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

October - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is most well known for Breast Cancer Awareness month but it is ALSO Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month with October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

Faces of Loss also runs an awareness program called I AM THE FACE which is about raising awareness for pregnancy and infant loss.

Another BLM has come up with a 31 day blogging challenge for Mothers of Loss which I have decided to participate in. Below outlines what each day will cover. I'm getting started a few days late but will just start with day 1 today.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss


Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Day 27: Share a picture.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief

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Monday, October 3, 2011

I just want to BE OK


I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

[CHORUS:]
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

[CHORUS]

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok