Sunday, January 30, 2011

What does this mean?

I am pretty sure that my doctor said there wasn't anything that she found wrong with me or the baby but I can't really remember. I requested some of the medical records from the hospital the other day so I could see what was found. I have to pay 65 cents a page so the lady in the medical records place just sent what was relevent to Brinley. So I got the records in the mail the other day and I have no idea what it means...

One page had handwriting on it that I can't read because it didn't copy very good so I am going to call them on Monday to see if they can try to recopy it. I don't want to pay 65 cents for a page I can't even read.

The other pages describe what was found about the placenta and umbilical cord. It says things like pyknotic nuclei, neutrophilic infiltrate, and endothelial hyperplasia. I'll let you know what these mean as soon as I figure it out.

One sentence said: "Umbilical cord shows three blood vessels and pyknotic nuclei": Nuclei that have contracted contents — a feature that is visible with deep staining and is a sign of cell death.

Some more terms:
Neutrophil infiltration: The diffusion or accumulation of neutrophils in tissues or cells in response to a wide variety of substances released at the sites of inflammatory reactions.

Endometrial hyperplasia: A condition characterized by overgrowth of the lining of the uterus. Hyperplasia means overgrowth. The endometrium is the inner layer of the uterus.



Intimal Fibrosis: scar tissue

Necrosis: loss of blood.


So from all of this I still don't have a clear picture of what happened. I guess all they found were some blood clots or something. It sucks not really knowing what happened because you can't be sure it won't happen again. At least I have some more information to add to Brinley's things to help memorialize her.


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Friday, January 21, 2011

Dreaming reality

Some days when I really start to think about my life it really feels like a dream. I can't believe that our life has changed so much over the past year. With a close family member dealing with a drug and alcohol problem, going through a divorce, running their company into the ground, and now is in the hospital, this along with us losing our baby and my husband losing his job has really made 2010 a year to try and forget.

The only good from last year was finding out we were pregnant and really finding out how strong my husband and I are together. My husband losing his job has been a blessing too because it caused him to try to start his own company. He is just starting it up and it is a scary situation to be in not knowing for sure if he will have work to do. We are unsure what the future holds for us but we know we can do it together.

I feel like I'm living a dream, no a nightmare that I can't wake up from. But it is real and it isn't going away.

Someone please pinch me.

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

God is at work

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. I love my husband so much, I couldn't have asked for a better person to be my mate. He woke me up to breakfast in bed. He is so good to me. I think for our anniversary we will go paint pottery somewhere. Probably at Blue Waters Pottery. The anniversary gifts are either (traditional) flowers & fruit or (modern) linen or silk so I was thinking we could go paint some pottery with flowers. It would be something we haven't done before and I think it would be fun.

So class tonight was very interesting. God has put someone new in my life that I need but who may also need me. As you may know Brinley's 5 month anniversary was this last Tuesday so I didn't attend class since the instructor said the subject matter would be too much for me. Well tonight we went over another story we were to read called "The Jilting of Granny Weatherall". Basically it is a woman on her death bed who is drifting in and out of consciousness and recalling various parts of her life. At the end she finds out there is nothing afterlife, just darkness. That is a horrible thought for a BLM to have, that when we die that is it so that would mean that Brinley just died into nothingness. No I can't accept that...so anyway...

This caused one student to speak up about an experience she had while she was "on her deathbed" two years ago. She was 6 months pregnant and got an infection of her blood called Sepsis. The infection got to her baby and she lost it. While her whole family was with her at the hospital her grandmother had died of cancer the day before in another state. She saw her grandmother wrap a pink crocheted blanket around her baby girl and walk out of the room with her. Well she obviously got better since she is in class with me but she has suffered the loss of her daughter at the same time she lost her grandmother. Her story made me cry because my loss was only 5 months ago and my grandmother crocheted a pink blanket for my daughter although she never got to be wrapped in it.

Well I went up to her after class and introduced my self to her and we talked for a while after class. Turns out she has spent the last two years grieving for her daughter with pretty much no support. She hadn't met anyone else that had suffered a stillbirth. She was no longer with her ex that she had her daughter with and has felt like she didn't really have anyone to talk to about her daughter.

I really feel like God is at work here. I was so worried about making it through this class without breaking down but now I know there is someone else in the class that understands where I'm coming from. Not only that but I can be the person she can talk to about her loss. I'm really happy that I got to meet her tonight.

I also want to give a shout out to another BLM that has become a great friend. I came home tonight to find a picture posted of Brinley's name in the snow she had asked her mother to do for her. That is something we had in common, that we both named out babies Brinley! I blogged about her here but we have become great friends now. So here is that beautiful picture. I love it when I find out someone else is thinking of me and my Brinley. <3



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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What makes me feel better?

Doing nice things for others....

Another BLM (Baby Loss Momma) is working on a project called 365 Days with Joel. She is requesting pictures of her son's name so that she can post a picture a day for the year. Check out her blog here & her husband's blog here.

Here is one of the pictures I submitted today.


 As you can tell from my previous post I wasn't in a very good mood today as it is my daughter's 5 month angelversary. To keep my mind occupied I drew Joel's name to submit to her project. It felt good to be able to do something for someone else who knows the pain that I'm going through. So today I remember Brinley & Joel.

I also wanted to mention Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope today. They just recently started setting up Face2Face groups for BLMs and BLDs to be able to meet in person in there hometowns. Although there are none in my area yet I hope to be able to be a leader of a group sometime next year. My loss is still so new and fresh; I didn't think I would be able to handle it as of yet. 

One last note before I finish...
I did meet with my English teacher today to let her know of my loss and that today was the 5 month anniversary. I was supposed to have class tonight but she told me to take it off because they were going to read a story that involved an unplanned pregnancy and the couple trying to decide what to do with the baby. I'm glad I told her today because I probably would have broke down during class tonight. Now I can read it in the comfort of my own home with my teddy bear and doggie.

Love is a teddy bear on 365 Project

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5 months today



Why?



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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Nervous and anxious

As I sat in a room full of people I didn't know I realized how nervous and anxious I felt about starting back to school. My first class this semester is an English Literature class where we will be critiquing works of literature. We will also be required to write some essays and have others in the class critique our work. Our first day writing assignment was to write about our favorite book and tell why it was our favorite. I first thought of writing down one of the babyloss books I had recently read but then I would have to tell them about Brinley. I am just not ready to share that with a room full of people I don't know. I chose to write down "Where the Red Fern Grows" as my favorite book. Even through all the books I have read I keep coming back to this one. I guess it is because it touched me when the boys dog died. I am a dog lover and the thought of losing my Buddy just kills me.


Of course, now, that is in no comparison of losing my daughter. I am nervous about when and how I will tell them, if at all. I am also anxious about how I will react to the different books, poems, and plays we will have to read. Will there be references to death? The loss of a loved one? How will these affect me? I hadn't even thought about this being a possibility. I don't want to break down crying in front of the whole class. I just realized today that my class next week is on Brinley's 5 month angelversary. Maybe I'm not ready for this yet....

I think tonight I will sit in the back of the class.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Back to my "before" life

I start back to school today. I have been out of school since the beginning of August. That is when my summer courses finished and just a month before my due date. I was planning on taking the fall semester off since I was having Brinley. I was going to have a newborn to take care of and thought it would be too much to take classes and work as well. She was to be my first baby and I was looking forward to having her around. I was even contiplating taking one course over the fall but decided I needed to focus on my daughter. Fall classes started August 23rd, the week after I gave birth.

It has been 4 months 3 weeks and 3 days since I had to say goodbye. It has taken me that long to be ready to go back to school. I will be taking a full load (4 classes) on top of working almost 40 hours a week. I was able to stagger my starting dates for each of the four classes so I'm not taking on too much at once. Today is the first of the four classes and it is English 102. Most classes I take these days are online but this one I have to go to class Tue & Thurs.  I am nervous and excited and dreading it all at once. I wonder if I will get a chance to write about my loss for class. I'm not ashamed to say where I have been and what I have done in my life. It has made me the person I am today.

My other classes start on Jan 24th, then Jan 31st, and lastley Mar 21st. All but one are general education classes meaning science, english, sociology, biology, math, and history type classes. I think I do better in my computer classes than these but they have to be done in order to get my degree. I'm almost done so I want to take all that I can to finish up.

A quick note on my birthday... It was GREAT! I had a lot of great friends come hang out with me and had a wonderful time. My mother also gave me this beautiful necklace with a dragonfly on it since she knew it would remind me of Brinley.


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Friday, January 7, 2011

I have been blessed

Today is my birthday. I could lay around and be sad that Brinley isn't here and will never have a "birthday" but I have chosen to have a good day. Of course I miss my daughter and long to hold her but she isn't here and I can not.

I woke up this morning with an upset stomach which is doing better now. I looked for a bra to wear and all I could find clean was a nursing bra.... I DO NOT want to wear a nursing bra on my birthday! I was starting to get in a bad mood already... I found myself thinking thoughts of "This is going to be a bad day." I immediately caught myself and told myself that I was going to chose to have a good day today no matter what. So what, I have to wear a nursing bra, it is comfortable, right? Well when I went to find a shirt I actually found a regular bra and changed right away. See it is going to be a good day after all.

I wanted to write a blog about all the amazing people in my life and give thanks for the friends and family I have. I really feel loved and thought about. The loss of Brinley has really opened my eyes to how precious life and the people in are.

Thank you to all my friends that make me laugh, listen to me vent, and hug me when I look like I need it!!

Happy Birthday to Me!
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Monday, January 3, 2011

Oh Shit!

Those were my words the moment I saw the positive marks on the pregnancy test a year ago today. I was excited, nervous, and scared. I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I took another test the following morning which also came back positive. I had received a new camera for Christmas so I took pictures with my camera. I have the two weeks off of work over Christmas and New Years so the following day I was going back to work from my two week break. I debated on whether I could keep it a secret or go ahead and tell everyone. I voted for the latter. The way I broke the news was to "show off" my new camera with the picture of the pregnancy test showing.



That day, that moment, changed my life. Well I just had the past two weeks off of work and spent part of it in Ohio visiting family. My father and grandparents all live up there so it was nice to be able to go visit them. I haven't seen my grandparents since before I had Brinley. It snowed the day after Christmas here so we drove through snow all the way up. It was pretty and cold. 

As for the holidays I just ignored them this year. I didn't let myself think about Brinley too much, maybe next year I will but this year it was just too much. I didn't really get upset until New Year's Eve and what prompted that was a baby at Olive Garden. I saw a man playing with a baby there and it made me wonder what Brinley would have been doing at that moment had she lived. She should have been with us in Ohio seeing her great-grandparents...that was the original plan. 

With today being a year since I found out I was pregnant, I am still feeling a little down. I have a birthday the end of this week and I usually am very excited about my birthday but this year it is just another day. Actually all of the holidays since her loss have been that way... just another day. The magic of the holidays is gone for me. It left when my baby did. I'm going to be 28 Friday and I have no idea what I want to do. I really just don't want to think about it, that is what I want to do.

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