Monday, January 3, 2011

Oh Shit!

Those were my words the moment I saw the positive marks on the pregnancy test a year ago today. I was excited, nervous, and scared. I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I took another test the following morning which also came back positive. I had received a new camera for Christmas so I took pictures with my camera. I have the two weeks off of work over Christmas and New Years so the following day I was going back to work from my two week break. I debated on whether I could keep it a secret or go ahead and tell everyone. I voted for the latter. The way I broke the news was to "show off" my new camera with the picture of the pregnancy test showing.

That day, that moment, changed my life. Well I just had the past two weeks off of work and spent part of it in Ohio visiting family. My father and grandparents all live up there so it was nice to be able to go visit them. I haven't seen my grandparents since before I had Brinley. It snowed the day after Christmas here so we drove through snow all the way up. It was pretty and cold. 

As for the holidays I just ignored them this year. I didn't let myself think about Brinley too much, maybe next year I will but this year it was just too much. I didn't really get upset until New Year's Eve and what prompted that was a baby at Olive Garden. I saw a man playing with a baby there and it made me wonder what Brinley would have been doing at that moment had she lived. She should have been with us in Ohio seeing her great-grandparents...that was the original plan. 

With today being a year since I found out I was pregnant, I am still feeling a little down. I have a birthday the end of this week and I usually am very excited about my birthday but this year it is just another day. Actually all of the holidays since her loss have been that way... just another day. The magic of the holidays is gone for me. It left when my baby did. I'm going to be 28 Friday and I have no idea what I want to do. I really just don't want to think about it, that is what I want to do.