Monday, December 20, 2010

What Christmas?

Christmas is just a week away. I have been trying my best to not even think about it. I didn't send out Christmas cards this year. I did very little shopping for presents. (this is partially due to the fact that we don't have the money to buy many presents and that I didn't want to participate in the holidays in any way really) I didn't decorate a tree, my step-daughter did it. The only ornament I put on the tree was the snowflake ornament I got for Brinley.

I want to write a letter to Brinley and put it in her stocking. This was something I saw someone had suggested on a babyloss forum and thought this could be something I could do every year. I haven't the nerve to try and write a letter yet though. I'm off of work the next few days so I will try to get it done by Christmas. I want the letter to be written on fancy paper in my best handwriting. I'm so nervous about writing a letter to her. Not really sure what I will be writing about yet. Probably how much I miss her and wish that I was buying her presents instead of writing that stupid letter.

We are going to Ohio to visit my family this year. We plan to leave the day after Christmas to go up there. I'm looking forward to it because I still haven't seen my grandparents or step-mother since my loss so I'm sure there will be lots of tears shed. I'm also looking forward to seeing my aunt who has also lost two of her babies during pregnancy. I know the week will go by too quickly but I'm glad I can go.

Then the year will be OVER! I'll be so glad when that day comes. I can close the book on 2010 and hope that next year will be better. Although just after the first was when I found out I was pregnant with Brinley. I can't believe it has already been a year since that day. Not sure how I will feel when that day comes....

Ba hum bug!