Thursday, December 9, 2010


Yesterday as I sat trying to think of a status to post on FB the thought came to me to type... 

I feel melancholy. 

I knew this word meant something like so-so but wasn't sure of the exact definition so I looked it up. 

Perfect I thought, exactly how I feel. This is my new favorite word. It expresses how I feel day to day, a deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness. The sadness over losing my daughter, my first child, my hopes and dreams. Perfect.

I recently was faced with working with an expecting father. He is very excited about the baby he and his wife are expecting. She is 13 weeks along now. He is nervous and had even said "I'm nervous cause there is always a chance of losing the baby." All I could respond with was "I know that all to well....."

I wanted to break down and cry after he left. Of course he didn't know what I had been through and I didn't want to rain on his parade with "I have a dead baby. She died at 37 weeks but I'm sure your baby will be fine." That is just the thing I'm not sure because I KNOW what can happen. I didn't want to put that darkness on him but it tore me up inside listening to how naive and happy he was to be a new father.

It still hurts so bad.