Thursday, January 13, 2011

Nervous and anxious

As I sat in a room full of people I didn't know I realized how nervous and anxious I felt about starting back to school. My first class this semester is an English Literature class where we will be critiquing works of literature. We will also be required to write some essays and have others in the class critique our work. Our first day writing assignment was to write about our favorite book and tell why it was our favorite. I first thought of writing down one of the babyloss books I had recently read but then I would have to tell them about Brinley. I am just not ready to share that with a room full of people I don't know. I chose to write down "Where the Red Fern Grows" as my favorite book. Even through all the books I have read I keep coming back to this one. I guess it is because it touched me when the boys dog died. I am a dog lover and the thought of losing my Buddy just kills me.

Of course, now, that is in no comparison of losing my daughter. I am nervous about when and how I will tell them, if at all. I am also anxious about how I will react to the different books, poems, and plays we will have to read. Will there be references to death? The loss of a loved one? How will these affect me? I hadn't even thought about this being a possibility. I don't want to break down crying in front of the whole class. I just realized today that my class next week is on Brinley's 5 month angelversary. Maybe I'm not ready for this yet....

I think tonight I will sit in the back of the class.