Monday, November 29, 2010

Last therapist appointment

Tomorrow is my last therapist appointment through work. I think I am done with therapy. I have really been managing life pretty good this past month. I would have cancelled the appointment except that it is free and I feel like I should go and at least show her how well I am doing these days. I cried so much at my last appointment she probably thinks I am spending my days lying in bed.

It is hard to believe that isn't what I am doing. I've actually surprised myself at how well I am handling things these days. Thanksgiving went better than I expected. I expected to wake up and be depressed all day but I wasn't. I think sometimes I really over think how things are going to be on particular days. I stress myself out thinking about how I'm going to feel when this holiday comes or when I see that person. I need to just not think about those things. I'll react the way I react when the time comes, no sense in being stressed about it before it even happens.

Sometimes I think I just want to break down and cry. I want to scream and hit something. I want to not go on but these are moments when I am driving down the road and it just isn't a good time to let go. Then there are times when I think I am ready to move on and be over my grief. I want another baby to get my mind off Brinley but I know that will never happen. The moment I have another baby my mind will always be on Brinley. Wondering what she would have been like at whatever age my rainbow baby will be. My mind is always on Brinley now. Every second of everyday I'm thinking of my baby.

So I've started to turn my focus to eating healthy and working out. I currently weight 199 pounds. I'm not scared to tell people how much I weigh. I don't like it but I'm not scared. I have tried to do this in the past but this time it feels different. I easily gave into temptations of soda and chocolates in the past but not this time. I am serious about losing this weight. I am tired of looking at my face with no chin and fat cheeks. I want the skinny girl I used to be back. It also helps keep my mind off obsessing about having another baby. I want to just let things take it's course. I don't want to drive myself crazy trying to track my fertility and getting upset when I, once again, am not pregnant another month.

Yes we are "trying" again. Is that the terminology I would use if Brinley were alive? "Trying again" I don't really like saying that because it makes me feel as if we have failed. I guess in a sense we did. We failed to have a live baby so we are trying again. If Brinley were alive I might say we are trying to have another baby or we are going for number two. I can't really say that to most people because I don't have number one to show off.

Something else that has been weighing on my heart is that I am a "new" mother but have no pictures to show off my baby. It is probably weird but I want to have a picture of Brinley that I can carry around with me. So if by chance I am talking to someone about her, I can offer to show her picture to them. I feel like a bad mom for not having this already....I think I will go order a print right now from Walgreens.

I guess I had more to talk about than I thought.

Oh almost forgot to mention. I've posted a link to the pregnancy blog I did for Brinley so if you want to go back and read about my pregnancy with my daughter the link is under the Brinley's Memorials page or you can find it HERE.