Thursday, January 10, 2013

Memories and grief

I will say during my whole pregnancy I kept saying that I wasn't ready to be a mother. I wasn't ready for a baby... I was 27 and until the week before she was born I didn't feel ready. As soon as I said that I felt I was ready she died... I was 37 weeks pregnant when I found out she no longer had a heartbeat... "There is no heartbeat" :***( Those are the most awful words I have ever heard. I was heartbroken to say the least but even in those few days after losing her I'm sure there were times where I laughed. I surrounded myself with people to keep my mind from going to those dark places and breaking down. I knew there would be time for that when everyone went back to living their lives and I was still left without my daughter...

Grief is different for everyone. I don't feel like one loss is better or worse than another. A miscarriage can be devastating for someone who really wants a baby or has trouble getting pregnant. How is that any different than a baby dying at 20 weeks, 35 weeks, or a few days old? I don't think it is. It is a bad situation for that person in that time. Now depending on what you have going on in your life a miscarriage might not be all that bad for you. I have a "friend" that said she was happy she had 3 miscarriages!!! I was kind of in shock when I heard that come out of her mouth. She had already had 2 children and just didn't know how she could have more. For her a miscarriage was no big thing, just another kid she didn't have to feed.

After losing Brinley I feel like I really appreciate Ever more than I might have. I realize how precious and fragile life is everyday because of Brinley. I also learned how strong of a person I am because of Brinley. She is never far from my thoughts. As a baby loss mother I appreciate it when others cry over her loss. I know she touched someone in life that never got to meet her. She will never be around to leave memories with the people she meets and every year she will be remembered by less and less others. I imagine eventually it will just be me.