Sadness

I've had a sadness since Christmas that I can't seem to shake. I miss Brinley so much. I miss everything I didn't get to see or do with her. I miss her little hugs and smiles. Having Ever has really brought these feelings to the forefront for me. I am watching her grow and change everyday and can't help but think about Brinley and what I didn't get to see her doing. Some days she seems like a distant memory, like she wasn't real. Could I really be the mother of a baby in heaven? It is surreal.

At what point are you considered depressed? I feel like everyday I will feel better the next day but I don't . Sure I go to work, do my school work, and take care of my daughter with a smile but I am sad.

Ever is two months old going on three and every time she does something new I want to cry and sometimes I do because I never got to see Brinley do that. I just want to be happy again. I want to have both my babies here on earth to hug and hold. To watch them grow up together.

As a busy mother to an infant I don't have time to sit down and write much and I think I really need to. I have lost my outlet and that might be why I have been so sad. I have so many emotions in me that I need to get out. I am sleep deprived which I'm sure doesn't help either.

I don't like being sad and always try to find something to be happy about but it is so hard these days to keep a positive attitude. Right now I want to be cynical and angry. I don't want to be nice and polite with people. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide until next year already.