School is Hard!

So I know I have written about my experiences in my English 102 course which you will find here. But my History 101 Western Civilization course is turning out to be a pain too when it comes to baby loss. So just in the first 5 chapters I have come across several references to what was done with infants that weren't wanted or weren't up to their standards back in the BC period.

1. Minotaur's cannibalism might be somehow related to a recent archaeological discovery of infants who were butchered and eaten at Knossos. (27)
2. Sparta infants were inspected by a group of elders. If they seemed unhealthy, they were exposed on a mountainside and left to die. (74)
3. Greek male children were preferred, and it was not uncommon for families to abandon unwanted infants, females in particular. Abandoned infants could be taken by anyone, and many were raised as slaves. (66)
4. In Rome, a newborn baby was placed at the feet of its father; if he refused to pick it up, the infant was exposed and left to die. (123)

I never got this in any of my computer courses. I hate taking general education course. They are SO much harder...

Ok I am Sorry

I recently posted a blog out of anger and hurt. It was brought to my attention that I had hurt a fellow BLM and I just wanted to say if anyone else was hurt, I'm sorry. I have removed that blog post.

I know many of us are hurting enough already. I really don't want to be the cause of more pain. ♥

Seems fitting

As I was reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby the other night I came across this poem that seems fitting to my blog. Notice my header is a women gazing out the window... I imagined this to be me thinking of my baby, Brinley.
Song for an Empty Cradle
for Andrea

Out my bedroom window rests my gaze

Though the mist of emptiness and pain’s grey haze

I watch the patterns softly formed and changed,

The hillsides’ grasses gently rearranged

By the winds’ caressing touch.

From my womb she fell; my breath was stilled

By fear and pain and yet my heart was filled

By the overwhelming wonder of what was Andrea

That now lay white and quiet in my hand.

My baby, my prayers, the life that I had planned

Were gone. And in their place was left

A desert. Hot and empty and so bereft

of hope, save for the splintered dreams I’d planned

That shined like broken bottles in the sand.

And soon the minutes into long months turn,

And even with time’s comfort still I yearn

To hold her once in warm embrace

And say goodbye, and yet, there is a place

I carry her still, within my heart, steadfast;

For even the briefest of memories last.

Out my bedroom window rests my gaze

Through the mist of emptiness and pain’s grey haze

I watch the patterns softly rearranged

And know my life, my dreams have all been changed.

My daughter’s life was brief yet such

That in my emptiness I have so much.

– Clara Wilbrandt-Koenig

Beary Hard 6 Months

Today on Brinley's 6 month angelversary I received a very special gift from one of my bestest friends. A weighted teddy bear that weighs as much as Brinley did when she was born, 6lbs 1oz. She took the time to pick out an outfit and fill the bear with rice and rocks until she weighed the right weight. She also gave me a card with a lovely note in it telling me how much she loved me and how often she thought of Brinley.

She got the idea from Molly Bears where I am currently on the waiting list. I can't believe how heavy she was. It also made me realize how important donations are for Molly Bears. It costs a lot of money to make these bears and ship them out to mothers that are missing that weight in their arms. So if you feel it in your heart I urge you to make a donation to Molly Bears in Brinley's name for her 6 month angelversary. You can make a donation HERE.

 So a big hug and thank you to Jenna! I love you girl.

So my husband and I watch this HBO series called Big Love. We have been getting the DVDs from Netflix and are currently on season 4. We last season Sarah, the daughter of Bill and Barb who are polygamists, had a miscarriage. Now when she got pregnant she was unmarried and a teenager and in this article the actress that plays Sarah talks about how she feels let down that the writers had her character have a miscarriage.

Well I hadn't had Brinley yet when I saw that episode of the miscarriage so I don't remember it affecting me as much. We are now watching season 4 and in the episode I just watched last night Sarah is now married and something she did in that episode got to me. She had taken in a lady and her baby and was taking care of the baby while the lady was away. Well Sarah's mother and father showed up and told her she had to give up the baby because the mother was saying that Sarah had taken her baby. Sarah held onto the baby and you could tell she finally had in her arms what she had been longing for, the baby she had lost. She was surprised with herself for the emotions she felt towards that baby. It made her realize that she had some ignored grief that she needed to deal with. I love that someone realized how having that baby in her arms would have awaken those emotions in her.




This bear, my Brinley Bear, has filled a little of that void I've had in my arms. I can't wait to hold my baby again one day.

Loving and missing her always! <3

Ferris Wheel Day (Valentine's Day)

Today is Valentine's day but I don't really care. It is just another day without my baby here. I just had the realization the other day that no matter how many children I have I will never have Brinley back. It is almost 6 months later and I can't believe how fast time has gone by. Lately it has felt like it was just yesterday that I heard those wretched words, "There is no heartbeat.". I've found myself breaking down a couple of times. My husband rescued me one day from the shower. I miss her so much.


I think this would help make me feel better...

You never know another person's story and I know I can always use a good hug. Doesn't that seem like a great idea? Go give someone a free hug. It will make you feel better and hopefully brighten someone else's day too.


Since I don't really care that it is Valentine's Day I'm going to celebrate Ferris Wheel day instead. 

The first Ferris Wheel was the highlight of the1893 World's Fair. It was created by Pittsburgh, PA bridge builder, George W. Ferris. Supported by two 140 foot steel towers, its 45 foot axle was the largest single piece of forged steel in the world at the time. The wheel itself was 264 feet high. It had 36 wooden cars that could each hold 60 people. It cost 50 cents per ride - a high price in 1893. 

For some ideas on how to celebrate Ferris Wheel Day go here.

HAPPY FERRIS WHEEL DAY EVERYONE!

Headaches

So is it bad I've had a constant headache for two weeks now?

Yeah probably but what can I do about it? It started on Jan 31st and was really bad. I ended up leaving work early to come home and lay down. Ever since then the headache has just kinda been there, not bad enough to really bother me but I could still feel my head pounding. I have taken Excedrin, Tylenol,  Aleve, and Excedrin Migraine as well as drinking Mountain Dew and coffee thinking it might be a caffeine headache but nothing seems to get it to go away.

So I decided to look up the symptoms online and figure out what kind of headache this is and deal with it. Well guess what, it is a TENSION headache! HaHa go figure I have tension in my life that has now made itself present in my head and refuses to leave! My baby has died, my husband has started his own company, and I've started back to school with a full work load all in 5 months. How could I not be stressed? I'm wondering if I made the right decision to start back to school full-time so soon after the loss of my daughter. This may be too much for me to handle but I guess I'm going to stick it through. Either I will have a nervous breakdown or I will make it through just really stressed.

I was able to find an urn that I love the other day. Actually Mark was the one to pick it out but I love it too. There was just so many to choose from and none of them seemed like the right one. My mother offered to buy the urn for us if we found one so here it is.

http://www.memorials.com/Cremation-Urns/Mother-of-Pearl-Child-Cremation-Urn.php

I just ordered it so it should be shipped out tomorrow. I can't believe I am buying an urn for my baby. There just is something not right about that.