My worries

One of the last trips we took before I had Brinley was to Santee on the lake. It was the first weekend of August and it was hot. I was 8 months pregnant at the time so the trip wasn't very far from where we live. We have been several times before and it is a nice getaway for cheap. We figured it would be our last trip before having the baby in our lives.

The place we stay at has little camper trailers you can rent for the weekend so that is what we rented. It had a couch that when you sat on it you were on the floor. Needless to say it was difficult for me to get up from it at 8 months pregnant. It was also hot, very hot. We were right on the side of the lake but the water is dark and the ground is muddy underneath so I don't like to get in it. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the trailer by myself since Mark had a fishing buddy come with and Alec had a friend come with so they were out on the water a lot.

There was one day I sat on a lounge chair by the lake side and there must have been a million dragonflies flying around. It was pretty amazing. I have never seen that many dragonflies at once and that is one of the reasons dragonflies remind me of Brinley.

My husband has been talking about going back to Santee again over the summer and I'm a little weary to go. Mostly because the last time we went I was pregnant with Brinley and I know that is what will be on my mind the majority of the time I'm there. The other reason is because I'm currently pregnant again and worry that I may have got some kind of infection last time that led to Brinley's death. It is an irrational fear since there was no mention of an infection but since I don't really know what happened to her it is one of the things I have often wondered about.

I did mention this to Mark yesterday...

So today as I was walking into work I found another dime in the parking lot. I felt like this was Brinley saying everything is alright.

Today I helped inform

I had a chance to enlighten students in the medical field about my experience with baby loss. Since I work at a college I was asked by one of the instructors if I would mind coming in to speak about my loss. The students are studying to be OB/GYN nurses so they were learning about what happens when things go wrong in a pregnancy.

It has been just over 9 months since I had Brinley and I'm always looking for ways to be able to talk about her so I thought what better way than to let others know about her and my story. Maybe through this experience other mothers and fathers will receive better care from these students because they have been enlighten to how a  baby loss parent feels.

I was nervous but very excited about being able

Teddy Bear from hospital and the outfit Brinley never got to wear.

to talk about Brinley. I told them my story from start to finish which can be read here. From there I went on to explain things I thought were helpful like being told she was beautiful and being able to hold her and have pictures made. Things I wish I had been able to do like hold her more, see her eyes, dress her, and spend more time with her. I told them about the items I received from the hospital that I cherish like the little pink angel and the teddy bear that wears her going home outfit she didn't get to wear. I mentioned that baby loss parents don't like to hear their child talked about in medical terms like fetus or embryo because to us it was our baby no matter how far along we are.

In the middle is the pink angel that hung on my door at the hospital

I talked about the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization that came and took the pictures of us with Brinley. I talked about Faces of Loss and what a great support resource it has been.

I told them how I have been coping with therapy and blogging and online support groups. Also by reading books and talking about Brinley and what happened.

I cried a little but I actually made it through without breaking down. I was able to share my story and make a difference (hopefully) in future baby loss parents lives.

I got to end with the good news that I am currently expecting a second child and that I am 16 weeks pregnant today. The baby is the size of an avocado.

I miss my baby girl each and every day and even though it doesn't look like it I think about her all the time. I'm so glad I got to share my story and hope that something good comes out of my darkness.

1st Mother's Day without her

So today, I.am.a.mother. This is the first time on mother's day that I felt like I deserved to be told Happy Mother's Day. It has actually been a great day. It started last night on our way home from the Darlington Nascar race we stopped to eat at Waffle House, it was after midnight so it was officially Mother's Day. I went to go to the bathroom and there on the floor was a dime! How amazing to receive a dime so early on Mother's Day.

I think by getting this wink from Brinley really helped make this day better.

So by the time I got up this morning I had 6 text messages from friends wishing me a Happy Mother's Day! This along with all the Facebook Mother's Day wishes I got really put me in a good mood this morning. So sweet of them to think of me and Brinley today. I love all of my wonderful friends.They have really brought me happiness in my time of darkness.

I was also in two separate Mother's Day videos created by fellow BLMs.

The first was made by Annette Benavides, mother to Valentina and Little Bee. Thank you for being so sweet and thinking of all us today. Happy Mother's Day!



The second video was made by Brittany Seree' Huddleston, mother to Serenity. I appreciate all your hard work in making this video. You did a wonderful job. Happy Mother's Day!




As far as presents go I haven't gotten any...yet. Actually my Mother's Day present was ordered a few days ago so I'm still waiting on it to come in the mail. I finally ordered a sculpture from The Midnight Orange.

Here is a picture of the sculpture I ordered. The only change I requested was to have pink butterfly wings for the baby.

This time last year I was pregnant with Brinley and was given two different statues but they were very much alike. One was from my mother and the other from my father. They were both an angel holding a baby. Looking back at these statues now is kind of weird knowing now that Brinley is being held by angels. I looked back at my pregnancy blog for her to see what I had wrote for Mother's Day last year but I didn't write anything for Mother's Day. I did post this blog where I announced we were having a girl and this blog where I posted links to my baby registries.

I hope all you mothers out there have a wonderful Mother's Day whether your child is here on earth or up above.

More love from above

Apparently I wasn't the only one that Brinley sent her love to yesterday. She visited my dad and mom too. After I posted about finding the dime at Walmart my mom posted this on my picture on Facebook.

Heather, I just sat out by Starbucks reading my Kindle for about an hour watching people going by on the Blvd. When I got ready to leave I thought Heather found a Brinley dime today, I want to find a Brinley dime too! I pulled up across t...he sidewalk to pull out on the Blvd. looked down and saw a dime two feet from my bike on the left side. I put down the kickstand and got off to get it, picked it up and said, "Thank You!" Went to get back on my bike and saw a dime two feet from my bike on the right side. I picked it up and said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am so grateful for these little reminders that she is loved and in our thoughts always. I don't know how many people walked by those dimes as I sat their but I know it was a lot. Both were on the sidewalk in plain sight.

Later in the day more like 11:00 pm as I was getting ready for bed I missed a phone call from my dad. He then called the house phone which I also missed because I was in the bathroom. For one he never calls that late and two he never calls both phone numbers back to back so I figured it was important. As I tried to call him back on my cell phone it rang in my ear, he was calling me again. It was my dad and he sounded very excited and just had to call me immediatly. His story blows me away.

He said that he was pulling wallpaper off the walls to redo them and had a pair of keys hanging on the so he took them down to remove the wallpaper. As he removed the wallpaper he heard something hit the ground and looked down to see what it was. It was a DIME! He said the date on it was 1997, not that that has any kind of significance but how cool is that?

My dad was very happy and blown away by this event and it made me tear up hearing this. I love that my parents love my daughter just as much as I do. I feel very blessed to have such loving, caring, and supportive parents. I love them both so very much!!


One more visit from our daughter happened today. I guess since I was the one that found the dime yesterday Brinley thought her father should find his own dime. Mark told me he ran into someone who just had a baby so he mentioned that we were expecting again after losing Brinley last August. After he got done talking to them he turned around and there sat a dime on the counter! The date on that one was 1965! That dime is 46 years old and barely looked used.

So much love for everyone! Truly amazing!

 

Jenna Evans the fake

Although I was not this woman's friend I wanted to write a blog bringing attention to her and people like her. In the BLM community we try to come together and support one another because we know all to well the horrible life we lead. We try to give encouragement and a shoulder to cry on when needed. It has been brought to my attention that a woman going by the name of Jenna Evans on Facebook has stolen another woman's story and pictures acting as if it was her own child(ren) that died.

I know there are some pretty messed up people in this world and it scares me to think that there are people out there that would want to pretend to feel the hurt and pain that we have. I'm posting this blog to help bring awareness to those of you who may not be aware that this kind of thing goes on.

Please read Kristine's Story blog : Hoaxed and Tiffany's blog: Internet Dangers to learn more about this particular instance.

Stay safe out there!

Easter love from above

I have been told by a few people that my baby is watching over me from heaven and sending me her love. I don't like being told what someone thinks my baby is doing from heaven. How do they know what my baby is doing anyway? I know they are just trying to make me feel better or something but it doesn't help me.

I was discussing this with my husband as we were driving to Walmart. He told me that Brinley does send us love from heaven with the dimes that we find. He then said they must give out a lot of dimes in heaven and Brinley must be forgetful like Ally because we find dimes a lot. He always knows how to make me laugh. <3

So after we parked I got out of the car and would you believe it there was a dime right next to the car. I couldn't do anything but laugh about it.

After how upset I was last night over not having Brinley here my mood has completly changed around due to that little dime. I always find them when I need them most. Feeling her love from heaven today.

Easter?

Wow I just realized that Easter is tomorrow (technically today since it is past midnight now). I mean I knew it was coming but I didn't care really, just another day. As I was reading Facebook statuses I noticed another BLM posted something about missing her baby on Easter then it hit me, I don't have my baby. GOD I MISS HER SO!!!

It has been just over 8 months since she left us and the pain is still so raw. Am I crazy for being pregnant again? How can I go through this again?

So tonight I finally watched "Rabbit Hole" with my mom. I expected to be crying through the whole movie but I never shed a tear. Of course, I teared up from time to time but no crying. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It has brought Brinley to the front of my mind now after I have pushed her back for a while.

Yet another stupid holiday without my child....