What Christmas?

Christmas is just a week away. I have been trying my best to not even think about it. I didn't send out Christmas cards this year. I did very little shopping for presents. (this is partially due to the fact that we don't have the money to buy many presents and that I didn't want to participate in the holidays in any way really) I didn't decorate a tree, my step-daughter did it. The only ornament I put on the tree was the snowflake ornament I got for Brinley.

I want to write a letter to Brinley and put it in her stocking. This was something I saw someone had suggested on a babyloss forum and thought this could be something I could do every year. I haven't the nerve to try and write a letter yet though. I'm off of work the next few days so I will try to get it done by Christmas. I want the letter to be written on fancy paper in my best handwriting. I'm so nervous about writing a letter to her. Not really sure what I will be writing about yet. Probably how much I miss her and wish that I was buying her presents instead of writing that stupid letter.

We are going to Ohio to visit my family this year. We plan to leave the day after Christmas to go up there. I'm looking forward to it because I still haven't seen my grandparents or step-mother since my loss so I'm sure there will be lots of tears shed. I'm also looking forward to seeing my aunt who has also lost two of her babies during pregnancy. I know the week will go by too quickly but I'm glad I can go.

Then the year will be OVER! I'll be so glad when that day comes. I can close the book on 2010 and hope that next year will be better. Although just after the first was when I found out I was pregnant with Brinley. I can't believe it has already been a year since that day. Not sure how I will feel when that day comes....


Ba hum bug!

4 Months

No I didn't forget. Today Brinley would have been 4 months old. I've been thinking about her all day. She would have been smiling by now. Probably sitting up on her own too. I'm missing out on so much.

Sigh

So if you sigh a lot does that mean you are depressed? I think I've sighed like 3 times in the past 5 minutes.

There is a movie coming out tomorrow called Rabbit Hole starring Nicole Kidman. It is a story of a couple coping with the death of their young son who was 4-years-old when he died. It isn't quite the same as losing a baby before they were born but I'm sure a lot of the emotions and grief that I have been going through will be portrayed. That is the funny thing about grief it is so similar for everyone yet so different.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing this movie and hoping that it helps shed some light and the pain associated with the loss of a child. I hope that people don't avoid the movie for fear of how it will affect them.



I decided to do some research on movies or documentaries that dealt with the loss of a baby and haven't been very successful in finding any available to watch online. I found several titles like the one listed below.


I found several more titles but that was all. I couldn't find anywhere to purchase them if I did want to watch them. Some titles were "Death of a Dream", "When our Baby Died", "There was a Child", and "Losing Leila". I am actually not surprised that this topic isn't more readily available in the movie industry. It really is time that someone makes a movie about the loss of a baby not just a child but a baby that the parents never got to know outside the womb.

On a different note I was thinking about winks the other day. If you don't know winks are little tokens or items that remind us of our babies or loved ones that are no longer with us. For example the dimes I said Brinley was sending me or bees and dragonflies that remind me of her. It's all BS really. I like to think this cause it makes me feel better but it is all BS. She isn't really sending me dimes, bees, or dragonflies. She is dead and cremated. She is ash in a little blue box in a little blue bag sitting on top of my desk in our bedroom. I have come to hate that bag. That bag that holds my dead baby. My dead baby that is nothing but ash and memories now.

How can I miss someone I never got to know? I never got to see her smile. I never got to hear her coo and babble. I never got to dress her, wash her, change a diaper, brush her hair, or feel her hug. I never got to look in her eyes or see her yawn. I never got to feel her hold my finger.

Fuck you pain, I HATE you!

Being sick doesn't help

So I'm getting sick. My neck is stiff, my throat hurts, and I have a headache. The lady that upset me the other day apologized today. You can read about what happened in my last post. I've cried 3 times today. I want to hold my baby again. I have an emptiness deep inside that will never be filled. Brinley is forever a missing piece of me. I just have no other words to express how I feel. I don't want to be this person.

Brinley's ornaments

I set out to find one ornament for Brinley to put on our Christmas tree. I finally settled on this Swarovski 2010 Annual Edition Crystal Snowflake Ornament. It is beautiful and makes rainbows when the sun shines on it. Well our tree is finally up so I wanted to take a few pictures of it on the tree. 

We have ended up with more than one ornament for our baby girl. Below is a picture frame Ally (her big sister) found and put a picture of Brinley in.

We also picked up some wooden ornaments when we went shopping for an ornament we could decorate for the Christmas Ornament swap and decided to color those for Brinley too.

Lastly this is the ornament we received from the swap. It was made by Tobi Nielsen. Thanks Tobi!!

I decided the pictures didn't do the ornaments justice so I made a little video showing them off too. You can watch it below. 

No I am not still pregnant

Today started out like any other day. I got up made breakfast which consisted of a Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg & Cheese Croissant then got in the car to head to work. I usually eat a couple bites then take the sausage off and throw it away so I rolled my car window down and proceeded to throw my sausage out the window when I heard it smack the window and fall into the front seat. I had rolled the back window down instead of the front. I needed to drink my coffee apparently. lol The smudge below was from that sausage.

So after I cleaned my window, yes I carry window cleaner in my car, I went into work. Throughout the day I had a few people that hadn't seen me since I came back to work after having Brinley tell me they were sorry to hear of my loss. I had others ask me how I have been doing. All of this got me emotional and brought up tears.

Lastly I ran into someone who was going to make the vegetable bars for my work's holiday luncheon on Wednesday because I told her I wanted that and I would trade with her to bring something else. So I asked if she was still making them and she said she couldn't because she had another event that she had to go through. Then she proceeded to pat my belly and say "I'm sorry baby."

WTF I'm not pregnant! Matter fact my baby died! I felt so bad and am sure she didn't realize what had happened. I was actually in shock that that just happened. I didn't have the heart to break down crying on her and correct her mistake so I smiled and said goodbye, went to my car to drive back to the building my office is in and broke down crying on the way back over there. I tried to call a fellow BLM because I wanted to tell someone who would know where I was coming from what just happened but got her voicemail. I managed to talk to a fellow co-worker who is also a BLM about it when the person I tried to call, called back. Anyway that event was the final straw for my day. I cried for a while by myself in the office, composed myself long enough to call another co-worker and ask her to let that person know what she did to me then called it a day and went home.

Tears I shed that had fallen on my desk.

That event ruined my day. I want to lose weight and hate that I look pregnant still.

I'm hiding

Sometimes I feel like I am hiding from my pain. It is too much to bear or even think about. I don't want to open the closet I've put it in for fear of it falling on top of me like a ton of bricks. I feel normal. I feel bad for feeling normal. I just can't accept that I've had a dead baby. That seems so foreign to me. Today I don't accept my pain. It will have to come another day.

Melancholy

Yesterday as I sat trying to think of a status to post on FB the thought came to me to type... 

I feel melancholy. 

I knew this word meant something like so-so but wasn't sure of the exact definition so I looked it up. 

• mel·an·chol·y Noun   /ˈmelənˌkälē/
  Synonyms:

  • adjective: sad, gloomy, melancholic, mournful, dismal, blue, sombre, somber, doleful, sorrowful, despondent
  • noun: sadness, melancholia, gloom, sorrow, dejection, despondency, depression, grief, gloominess
  • A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness
• mel·an·chol·y Adjective   /ˈmelənˌkälē/
  • Sad, gloomy, or depressed
    • she felt a little melancholy
    • the dog has a melancholy expression
  • Causing or expressing sadness; depressing
    • the study makes melancholy if instructive reading
       
      
       

Rainbow baby blog

If you want to follow my new blog it is called Rainbow Gave Thee Birth. I am not pregnant but felt like I needed to start writing a new blog about that journey. I will maintain two blogs so I can talk about my journey through grief and loss and my journey through hope and happiness with a new child.

Thanks!

A door closes and another opens (hopefully)

A little off topic but some other things that have been going on in my life. My husband's job has seemed to have come to an end today. There is no money left in the company therefore he has checks he cannot cash. His company cell phone is supposed to be cutoff today. The work van tags and insurance are expired. His employer called him today to ask if he was working. Really, you can't pay him and he has a work van he can't drive. How exactly do you expect him to work for you? Anyway things got heated and he was told he was fired. We are better off.

We knew this day was coming and it's a great way (in my sarcastic voice) to end 2010. Hopefully with the end of one chapter in our lives a new one will be bigger, greater, and better.

My husband is now looking for a vehicle so he can do some things on his own. Until then we got to figure something else out to make some money. We still have a house payment to make.

On another note.....

I got Brinley's Christmas ornament. It is beautiful. It is a Swarovski 2010 Annual Edition Crystal Snowflake Ornament. It has a little tag that says 2010 on it and makes rainbows all over the wall when the light hits it