Regrets

I regret splitting my blogs from my pregnancy blog with Brinley to this grief blog for Brinley and my new pregnancy blog with Ever. I wish there was a way to combine them now...

On another note I had my baby girl Ever on Halloween. I remember Halloween last year was such a terrible day. I was so sad to not have Brinley here to take trick or treating. I spent the night locked up in my house making a memory book for her and crying. I still cried a lot back then. It has only been 2 months since I lost her. That seems like so long ago now. I still cry from time to time. Especially when my baby, Brinley's little sister, does something that makes me smile or laugh I think of Brinley and what I have been missing out on the last 15 months.

I also regret I haven't made more time to write. I miss writing. I need to get these feelings out, it helps my sanity.

Well I guess that is it for this blog as my new baby is crying and needs me. <3 I love her and Brinley so much!

Day 9

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

 I technically don't have other children but I do have a 14yo step-daughter who lives with us. Brinley's loss hasn't really affected her in a way that she has problems in school or life. I know that she understands what happened and she is saddened by it. She worries about her new little sister who has yet to be born. She was very excited to finally have a little sibling when we were pregnant with Brinley. I know that she will love her new little sister just that much more.

As for how the loss has affected my relationship with my husband... I can't really say it has. We have already been through so much together. Brinley's death didn't have a negative affect on our relationship. I guess it has brought us closer. This is a horrible experience we both went through. It is another fiber that makes us stronger as a couple. If we can get through this and make it out together then we can handle anything, I believe.

14 months ago today I gave birth to my little girl. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. As much as we all miss still her I know I am stronger today because of Brinley.

Day 8

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I feel that I have more good days than bad ones now. It the beginning it was the opposite but here I am almost 14 months out from having her and most days are good. It sure didn't feel like I would ever get here in the beginning. Although now that I am 36 weeks pregnant again and I lost Brinley at 37 weeks it is getting harder and harder to have good days but I'm sure that will subside after I have this baby. Still hoping that I get to bring her home this time around. I don't know what I would do if I lost her too.

Day 7

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

Yes, I do several things to honor my angel....

I wear a necklace with a little dragonfly on it that represents her. We also have a window cabinet at the house that holds her ashes as well as several other things that represent her like Christmas ornaments, pictures, and figurines. I was given two, In Memory Of, decals for her 1 year angelversary that are on my car. We participate in the Walk to Remember every year. (This was the second year we went. The first year was only 2 months after I had her.)

I have donated Faces of Loss cards to the hospital where I had her. And I am trying to start up a local BLM group too.

I'm always looking for ways to honor my daughter. It is all I can do to keep her memory alive.



.

Day 6

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?


I haven't really been asked this question until I was pregnant again. I get the "Is this your first?" question a lot. I have always said, "No, I had a late term loss last year." If they ask more then I tell more but usually they just say, "Oh, sorry." 


I wish they would ask more about Brinley. For the first time the other day I just answered yes to that question. Sometimes it is just easier to not have to explain it to every stranger I come across. I don't deny my daughter, I love her very much. I want to let people know that stillbirth does happen. It happened to me. Maybe they have had a loss as well but haven't met anyone else that has. 


It really has to be accessed each time the question is asked whether I want to share or not. Up until now, for me, it has been to tell everyone but now I'm starting to pick and chose who I share her with. 

Day 5 & Walk to Remember

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

Yes, every time I see a dragonfly I'm reminded of her. Every time I find a dime I know she is thinking of me. And every time I see a bumble bee I feel her love. I have a few winks for my little girl. They usually come when I need them most.

Yesterday was the Walk to Remember at the Conway Medical Center and while we were outside listening to the music I saw two dragonflies flying around and knew that she was with me. It brought a smile out of my tears for her loss.

The theme for the walk was butterflies. Some of the meaning behind a butterfly is that it represents change and hope for the future


In the grief process, the bereaved person must learn how to deal with the loss, or significant change. Many people may hide away from the rest of the world much like being in a cocoon while trying to heal. This cocoon phase is one of transformation and often introspection and reflection. The process ends as the person emerges from their cocoon, metamorphosed into a different person. Thus the transformation of the grieving process is much like the story of the butterfly.

 
A Symbol of Hope
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
~Unknown~

Day 4

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Knowing that I could use this experience to help others. I have tried to keep a positive outlook in life. Some days I just don't understand why I had to lose my daughter but then something happens that reminds me that I can now offer support to others who have had a loss. I have met several mothers over the past 13 months who are asking the same questions I asked in the beginning. I don't have the answers but I know how to listen and cry with them and sometimes that is all they need. Having someone who feels your pain and doesn't have the words to try and "fix it". Someone to just say yes this totally sucks!! No, it isn't fair!!

Here I am a year later and I am trying to start up a local group for women like me. I participate in many online groups where I can talk about my feelings without feeling judged. I want this for the women locally who maybe don't get online or who haven't found that support yet. There is a void in my area for this kind of support and I want to help fill it.

Day 3

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

The answer to this question is most definitely my husband. I was just thinking this morning how special it is that I share this tremendous life changing event with him. How much he has been my strength and comfort through the hard days. It was something that has brought us closer and I know that out of everyone in my life he is the only one who knows how I truly feel from day to day. As he said the other day, "She will always be the one who is missing from our family and we can't wait to see her again."

My husband, my rock, my best friend.

Day 2

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Alec

• Step-daughter 
• 14 years old 
• DOB July 28th, 1997 
• Sweetest most loving step-daughter a step-mother could ask for. She is very excited about having a little sister around and can't wait to change the poopy diapers. lol Just kidding she says she is only changing the pee ones. She also misses our Brinley and was very upset about her loss as well.

Brinley

• 1st daughter 
• Stillborn at 37 weeks 
• DOB August 18th, 2010 
• Showed me how strong of a woman I am. I have learned so much from her and miss her so much everyday. I wish she was here walking around and ready to say hello to her little sister. 

 Little Bird 

• 2nd daughter 
• Still baking in mommy's tummy 35 weeks 1 da
• DOB TBA 
• She is moving up a storm as I sit here and type this. Already having some contractions yesterday and today. I can't wait to hold and kiss her. I sure hope I get to bring her home.

Day 1

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.


I'm a 28 year old mother to one girl in heaven, one girl in my belly, and one who is my husband's daughter from another. What started this blog for me is my angel, Brinley Nicole, who went to heaven in August of 2010. I was writing a pregnancy blog for her at Anonymously Pregnant but when she passed I made a new blog, this blog, dedicated to my life after her death. Right now I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with my second daughter nicknamed Little Bird who I blog about at The Rainbow Gave Thee Birth.

For the past eight years I have been with my husband, married four of those years now. I have also been attending college first for my associates degree in Computer Information Technology and now for my Bachelor degree in the same major. I only have 3 courses to go before I finish. Being pregnant right now and due in November I decided to take this semester off so hopefully I will be able to return and finish in January.

I live next to the ocean in South Carolina and have lived here most of my life. I used to want to move away but now I love living here. They have so much to do and who wouldn't want to live next to the ocean? It is so pretty here.

Taken at the beach on Brinley's 11 month angelversary.

I have three dogs and two chickens for pets. One of the dogs is a yorkie named Buddy. He was the first of the three and is the best dog ever! I love him so much. He was a big part in my healing after losing Brinley.

The other two dogs are Bruce and Bailey (pictured below). Bruce came to live with us when my step-daughter did four years ago. I didn't have a picture of him to upload.  Bailey is a chocolate lab that my husband has always wanted. She is now just over a 1 1/2 old.

That is basically me in a nutshell. I don't blog for fame or money, it is just a way for me to get my feelings out and share my life with family and friends who don't live close by. It has really helped in my healing process over the past year as well.

October - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is most well known for Breast Cancer Awareness month but it is ALSO Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month with October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

Faces of Loss also runs an awareness program called I AM THE FACE which is about raising awareness for pregnancy and infant loss.

Another BLM has come up with a 31 day blogging challenge for Mothers of Loss which I have decided to participate in. Below outlines what each day will cover. I'm getting started a few days late but will just start with day 1 today.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss


Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Day 27: Share a picture.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief

I just want to BE OK

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

[CHORUS:]
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

[CHORUS]

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Falling

Over the past week I have had a sadness I can't shake. I don't know if it is the change of the season or the fact that I'm getting closer to my milestone of 37 weeks with my current pregnancy. Probably some of both. Some days I can't believe it has already been a year since I had Brinley. It seems like it was just yesterday some days. With Halloween approaching I'm sure that is playing a part in my mood. You can read about last year here. It wasn't a good day for me.

I have been trying to be somewhat more optimistic about this year. It is exciting not knowing if I am going to be pregnant or have my Little Bird in my arms by then. I've been hoping for a Halloween baby since I found out my due date.

I'm so tired these days which I'm sure doesn't help my mood. I've been so bored sitting around my house. I need to find a hobby to keep me busy over the next month. I wake up everyday feeling like I just want to go back to bed. I feel on the verge of tears everyday. I'm worried that I may suffer from postpartum depression after I have the baby. I didn't want to take medication for depression. I wanted to change my diet and exercise to see if that helps first but I haven't been very successful at doing that just yet...

I'm just trying to make it to the next day at this point. Hoping this feeling goes away soon.

Baby pictures...

You know how you go to the OB/GYN office and you see pictures of everyone's happy healthy babies posted on the walls. All the successful births the doctor has delivered over the years. It occurred to me that after a year I was ready to give her a picture of my Brinley love.

When I talked to the doctor about Brinley's picture she said she did receive it and mentioned that they have a book they keep these pictures in. She did ask if I was comfortable with her posting it on the bulletin board which I said yes. So I'm not sure where her picture ended up, probably in the book she mentioned but I feel better now that I got to share her picture with the doctor that delivered her.

Why shouldn't I be able to do this for my daughter just like all the other happy proud mothers?

1 Year Angelversary

August 18th, one year ago I gave birth to my baby girl. I have been thinking about this day for a long time coming. I planned to start the day by going to watch the sunrise with my mom but when I got up at 5:45am it was pouring down rain so we decided to go back to bed.

I finally got up at 8am and watched a little bit of TV. I called my mom to let her know I was finally up. After I got dressed I had to take my car to get one of my tires fixed because it had a huge bolt stuck in it. We went over there about 9:30 to get the tire fixed which only took 15 minutes. We then went back to my house to get Mark and Alec to go eat breakfast. Mark had a BOGO coupon for breakfast at Bob Evans so that is where we went. It was very good, I got strawberry and banana crepes and banana nut bread. I also drank a strawberry and banana smoothie.

After breakfast we decided to go to the mall because my mom was thinking about getting her ear pierced. On the way over Alec said she wanted to get her ears pierced too and I decided I wanted to get mine done as well. Turns out that my mom and I couldn't get ours done because we wanted it done in the ear cartilage and you can only get that done at a body piercing studio not a Claire's. Mom paid for Alec to get her ears done for her birthday present since she hadn't got her anything yet.

We went back to the house to rest a little and see if we could figure out which body piercing place we wanted to go. When we arrived home there was some mail waiting for me. A box? What was in the box? It was my Brinley Bear from Molly Bears. I placed my request probably nine months ago. I made a few donations but it is free to get a bear made. It costs them about $30 to make and mail each bear so I have made donations when I can. The last donation was in honor of a fellow BLM's son's first birthday in heaven. Well I ended up winning the drawing from that donation to have my bear made next. That was 2 months ago. It is crazy that my bear came today on Brinley's birthday.

I think this is such a great service for baby loss parents. They make a bear that weighs as much as the baby they lost. Brinley was 6lbs 1oz when she was born so her bear weighs 6lbs 1oz. You can imagine the shipping costs really add up with all this weight for each bear.




So I ask if you find it in your heart to make a donation in Brinley's name to please do so. You can make a donation here: 

https://www.mollybears.com/Donate_To_Molly_Bears.html

Card from Lisa

Card from Dad and Shannon

I also got a couple of cards in the mail. A lovely one from my friend Lisa and her husband. Another from my Dad and Step-mother. Both of them made me cry because they were very sweet and thoughtful.
 












There were also two plants delivered to our house to let us know others were thinking of us. One came from our good friends April and Brian, the other came from a nurse from the hospital where we delivered Brinley named Stacey. We have spoke a few times since she had a loss like mine.

Plant from April and Brian

Flowers from Stacey

 





We left my house about 3pm to go get our ears pierced but it turns out I couldn't because I am pregnant. I knew I wouldn't be able to get a tattoo because I was pregnant which is what I had originally wanted to do for her birthday. I'm disappointed I couldn't get this done but I would much rather wait and be safe for my rainbow baby.






Back at my house Jenna showed up with the cake about 4:30pm. It was big and green with lots of flowers and some butterflies and dragonflies on it. It had her name written on it too. It was very pretty and yummy!

Over the next few hours my sister visited and some other friends came by. We ate cake and sat around talking. My friend and doula, Ashley, and her friend came by with their kids and hung out for awhile.









We ended the night with lighting sky lanterns and setting them loose from our front yard. We invited our neighbors to come over and let a sky lantern go for their daughter that was stillborn over 30 years ago. I have included a video at the end of us letting go of some of the sky lanterns.

I received a few more things today in honor of Brinley. The first thing was a car decal from my Dad and Step-mom pictured below. The other was another decal in honor of Brinley from my good friend Beronica and her husband also pictured below. I have put them both on my car and I think they look great.

Decal from Dad and Shannon

Decal from Beronica and family

It was a very long day but I'm happy with the way our daughter was remembered. I wasn't in a sad mood all day. I think this is in part because I had my breakdowns earlier in the week. It was just a lovely day to celebrate the birth of our daughter, Brinley.

I am amazed by all of the people she has touched with her short life and love her so.

Happy 1st Birthday Brinley!

I have a lot to say about today so I will be posting an update tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to my Brinley. 

Mommy loves you!

Ideas for 1st Angelversary

As August 18th approaches I am trying to figure out how I want to celebrate Brinley's 1st Angelversary in heaven.


So far all I have come up with is to have a small family get together. I think I'm going to start the day at the beach watching the sunrise and maybe write her name in the sand and take some pictures. At night I want to go let some sky lanterns go over the ocean.

I've also thought about making some memory boxes for families at Conway Hospital that I can donate in her name but I am running out of time to do this... I did order some cards for Faces Of Loss that can be handed out to new baby loss moms and dads.

I think this sounds like a good day. I hope that it is gentle on my heart. I'm not really looking forward to it. I can't believe it has almost been a year since I got that horrible news that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Brinley's Month

Well it is here, August. The last month I had with my little girl growing and moving inside me. The month I gave birth to my born still daughter. This past Monday was August 1st, 2011 and I awoke in a very depressed mood. Most days I feel great and have a great attitude but then some days, days like this past Monday, I wake up and want to cry all day. I think my husband could tell it was one of those days for me. He gave me extra hugs and told me not to stress too much. Ha!

This day I had to take a test for my Biology class first thing in the morning so I was stressed about that. I also had my final exams this week. If I haven't said before I was taking two classes over the summer, Biology and Astronomy. On my drive into work someone decided they had to make a left turn right in front of me so they came from two lanes over from my right to get in front of me and make an immediate left turn. I had to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting them! Now in the mood I was already in and not being quite awake enough to deal with this I called my husband to vent. I'm on the verge of tears on my way into work and talking to him always makes me feel better. He gave me some speech on life is a roller-coaster or something, it made me laugh a little.

As my day went on it was pretty uneventful. I took my test and made a 75 on it, I had a really hard time comprehending the material apparently. I was a little busy at work so it made the day go by faster. As I stepped outside to make a phone call to my husband in the afternoon there was a dragonfly on the ground next to me. It let me get really close to it to get a good picture.

Isn't he beautiful? This made me feel a little better like my daughter was telling me to cheer up. Well about 4 pm I was sitting at my desk and thought " I haven't noticed Little Bird moving other than first thing this morning. " So I sat there for a minute trying to wake her up and get her moving but I didn't feel any response so I decided to leave a little early and head over to the doctor's office so they could check for her heartbeat.

While putting my things in the back of my car I found a dime! It was right inside the back of my Trailblazer. This was the 3rd time I had been in the back of the car today and I had not seen this dime the first two times so I have no idea where it came from! Another wink from Brinley!

Getting winks from her always makes me smile but the short drive and wait at the doctor's office was still hard. I arrived there and told them, as I started to cry again, that I was having a bad day and wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat so they got me a nurse. While I was sitting in the waiting room trying to keep my thoughts under control I felt a little movement from Little Bird so I felt somewhat better. Once the nurse took me back and let me listen to her heartbeat I felt ten times better. She said her heartbeat was strong and she wasn't stressed it was just me that was stressed. The nurse was sweet and gave me a hug and told me to take all the time I needed. I cried for a little bit and composed myself before leaving.

I had to go drop off my niece's guitar so I stopped by my sister's work to give it to her since she was working. When I went to get the guitar out of the back of the car I saw another dime on the ground!

Now I haven't found a dime in forever but have had several people tell me they have found them and thought of me and Brinley. My mom found two dimes one day while she was out and about. My dad found a dime just after he was thinking of me while he was riding his motorcycle. The day he called to tell me about it I missed his call but when I called him back he was bending over to pick up another dime at that exact moment I called!

I had another BLM post on my FB wall about finding them.

"Heather, I keep forgetting to tell you but I've been finding dimes EVERYWHERE! a couple at home and at work. one fell out of no where!"

And just yesterday I was tagged in a picture of another dime a friend found just after she was thinking about doing my pregnancy photos for Little Bird. She does photography professionally and has offered to take my pregnancy photos this time around. She is more of an acquaintance than a friend. We bought our chocolate lab from her and we have remained friends on FB. She is not a BLM and has always been very kind and nice. We haven't spent much time getting to know each other outside of FB so this makes it even more special to know she was thinking of us and our sweet girl.
Here is the picture and what she said.

"Heather, I was grocery shopping this afternoon with my daughter and we got out of the car and this was right next to my door. I had been thinking about doing your maternity photos not five minutes earlier and thinking how I was looking forward to it. I remember reading your post yesterday and wanting to tell you how much I admire you for your courage, strength, and willingness to share your feelings and sorrow through your blogs and facebook. I wanted to say something yesterday, but haven't had a chance to sit down to do so... I guess someone knew I was thinking of you and that I needed to pass along. :-) I hope this brightens your day and I look forward to doing your pictures for you."

These aren't the only people who have told me about dimes, I have had cousins and aunts and other friends tell me about finding them all year long. I can't express how much love I have been shown over the past year. It warms my heart to know that my baby girl hasn't been forgotten and that she has touched so many through her short life here on earth. As for the rest of my day it was pretty uneventful. I went home and got some rest which I really needed.

I know this post was really long but I had a lot to say and now that my finals are over I plan to be more active again with my blogging. Counting the days to her birthday....15 more to go!

11 months

Last Monday was Brinley's 11 month angelversary. I thought about her all day but tried to ignore my feelings of despair, hurt, anger, and sadness. 11 months have passed yet it still feels like yesterday I was saying goodbye. This past 11 months have flown by so quickly. Now I'm counting down the days until her 1 year birthday in heaven.

I remember being in the hospital thinking that I was glad for this horrible event of losing my baby to happen to me instead of someone else. I thought, "I am strong enough to get through this."

I have been strong but I have also been weak. I have broke down crying so many times over the past 11 months. I have also tried to help others and be a source of strength for those that follow in my footsteps.

There is something about being a baby loss momma that requires everyone you know to tell you about every baby they hear about dying. I guess they think, "Oh this person has suffered this kind of loss I must tell them." It is so hard to hear about yet another mother and father going through the same pain and hurt that we have. I just wish this didn't happen but it does.


Just over the past couple of weeks I have heard of one baby that had a bowel movement while still in the womb and was asked to pray for this baby's safe entry into this world. Later that same day another FB friend posted her best friend had just lost her baby that was 3 weeks old to SIDS. The first baby was fine in the end but I waited two days to hear this news and was stressed worrying about this baby and mother. The second mother was not so lucky and now lives in the world of baby loss.

Just a few days ago I received an email letting me know that a distant cousin of mine just lost her baby on July 4th. After doing some investigating I found out that she was due on July 14 so she only had about a week left before her due date.

My heart is breaking for these mothers because I know their pain. I wish I didn't have to hear about there losses but am glad I can provide support as someone who has been there. It just ruins my day and brings back all those emotions I felt just 11 short months ago. I pray that one day it will get easier to hear about these losses because I know they won't stop. I hope to be able to be a source of support throughout my life to other baby loss mothers.

I get anxious everytime I hear about someone else going into labor or having a baby. I worry that they will have the same fate that I did. I wish I didn't have these thoughts. I expect every pregnancy to end in a loss because that is what I know to be true for me. I'm almost surprised to hear that they have an alive baby in the end.

Missing my baby Brinley. I'm so glad she has made be the stronger person I am today. There is nothing I can go through that is worse than having to say goodbye to her. I now know I can handle anything that comes my way.



 

10 months gone too soon

Dear Brinley Love,

Today I woke up early to go watch the sunrise. I did this for a fellow BLM (Baby Loss Momma) who was in my pregnancy after loss group. She was 16 weeks pregnant after losing 2 babies before this one and found out the other day that this baby no longer had a heartbeat. It is moments like these that remind me to enjoy every second because you never know what will happen. I am currently 19 week and 3 days pregnant with your little sister so the reality of losing another baby is on my mind all the time. Although I receive so much support from these women it is also a source of reminders of how quick it call all go wrong. They need me as much as I need them. So in going back to why I went to the beach for the sunrise; this BLM had requested pictures of the sunset but since the sunrises over the ocean here I thought I would get a picture of the sunrise. I also thought this would be a great way to start the day in remembering you. I awoke at 5:30 am, which is WAY early for your mother, this morning to head to the beach by myself. The very first picture I took of the sunrise had a beautiful heart in the clouds. I just knew it was from you.

When I got back home I uploaded the pictures first to my pregnancy after loss group for this BLM along with this statement.
"For every sunset there is a sunrise."

I also uploaded the pictures to my Facebook album and posted this picture above as part of a status update about it being your 10 month angelversary. I had also seen a dragonfly and bumble bee today. I knew you were with me all day. I was waiting to find my dime but I never did. Turns out you sent it to my friend Morgan. This is the comment she posted for me....

""dude i thought about you guys today...one of the girls at work was walking by me and she said "oh wow, a dime! you never find those on the ground!" i thought of someone who does all the time! she picked it up before i could take a picture of it for you. but you were in my thoughts today!! ♥""

 I love that you send me dimes in all kinds of special ways. I miss you so much baby girl.

MUCH LOVE,

Your mommy

My worries

One of the last trips we took before I had Brinley was to Santee on the lake. It was the first weekend of August and it was hot. I was 8 months pregnant at the time so the trip wasn't very far from where we live. We have been several times before and it is a nice getaway for cheap. We figured it would be our last trip before having the baby in our lives.

The place we stay at has little camper trailers you can rent for the weekend so that is what we rented. It had a couch that when you sat on it you were on the floor. Needless to say it was difficult for me to get up from it at 8 months pregnant. It was also hot, very hot. We were right on the side of the lake but the water is dark and the ground is muddy underneath so I don't like to get in it. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the trailer by myself since Mark had a fishing buddy come with and Alec had a friend come with so they were out on the water a lot.

There was one day I sat on a lounge chair by the lake side and there must have been a million dragonflies flying around. It was pretty amazing. I have never seen that many dragonflies at once and that is one of the reasons dragonflies remind me of Brinley.

My husband has been talking about going back to Santee again over the summer and I'm a little weary to go. Mostly because the last time we went I was pregnant with Brinley and I know that is what will be on my mind the majority of the time I'm there. The other reason is because I'm currently pregnant again and worry that I may have got some kind of infection last time that led to Brinley's death. It is an irrational fear since there was no mention of an infection but since I don't really know what happened to her it is one of the things I have often wondered about.

I did mention this to Mark yesterday...

So today as I was walking into work I found another dime in the parking lot. I felt like this was Brinley saying everything is alright.

Today I helped inform

I had a chance to enlighten students in the medical field about my experience with baby loss. Since I work at a college I was asked by one of the instructors if I would mind coming in to speak about my loss. The students are studying to be OB/GYN nurses so they were learning about what happens when things go wrong in a pregnancy.

It has been just over 9 months since I had Brinley and I'm always looking for ways to be able to talk about her so I thought what better way than to let others know about her and my story. Maybe through this experience other mothers and fathers will receive better care from these students because they have been enlighten to how a  baby loss parent feels.

I was nervous but very excited about being able

Teddy Bear from hospital and the outfit Brinley never got to wear.

to talk about Brinley. I told them my story from start to finish which can be read here. From there I went on to explain things I thought were helpful like being told she was beautiful and being able to hold her and have pictures made. Things I wish I had been able to do like hold her more, see her eyes, dress her, and spend more time with her. I told them about the items I received from the hospital that I cherish like the little pink angel and the teddy bear that wears her going home outfit she didn't get to wear. I mentioned that baby loss parents don't like to hear their child talked about in medical terms like fetus or embryo because to us it was our baby no matter how far along we are.

In the middle is the pink angel that hung on my door at the hospital

I talked about the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization that came and took the pictures of us with Brinley. I talked about Faces of Loss and what a great support resource it has been.

I told them how I have been coping with therapy and blogging and online support groups. Also by reading books and talking about Brinley and what happened.

I cried a little but I actually made it through without breaking down. I was able to share my story and make a difference (hopefully) in future baby loss parents lives.

I got to end with the good news that I am currently expecting a second child and that I am 16 weeks pregnant today. The baby is the size of an avocado.

I miss my baby girl each and every day and even though it doesn't look like it I think about her all the time. I'm so glad I got to share my story and hope that something good comes out of my darkness.