What Christmas?

Christmas is just a week away. I have been trying my best to not even think about it. I didn't send out Christmas cards this year. I did very little shopping for presents. (this is partially due to the fact that we don't have the money to buy many presents and that I didn't want to participate in the holidays in any way really) I didn't decorate a tree, my step-daughter did it. The only ornament I put on the tree was the snowflake ornament I got for Brinley.

I want to write a letter to Brinley and put it in her stocking. This was something I saw someone had suggested on a babyloss forum and thought this could be something I could do every year. I haven't the nerve to try and write a letter yet though. I'm off of work the next few days so I will try to get it done by Christmas. I want the letter to be written on fancy paper in my best handwriting. I'm so nervous about writing a letter to her. Not really sure what I will be writing about yet. Probably how much I miss her and wish that I was buying her presents instead of writing that stupid letter.

We are going to Ohio to visit my family this year. We plan to leave the day after Christmas to go up there. I'm looking forward to it because I still haven't seen my grandparents or step-mother since my loss so I'm sure there will be lots of tears shed. I'm also looking forward to seeing my aunt who has also lost two of her babies during pregnancy. I know the week will go by too quickly but I'm glad I can go.

Then the year will be OVER! I'll be so glad when that day comes. I can close the book on 2010 and hope that next year will be better. Although just after the first was when I found out I was pregnant with Brinley. I can't believe it has already been a year since that day. Not sure how I will feel when that day comes....


Ba hum bug!

4 Months

No I didn't forget. Today Brinley would have been 4 months old. I've been thinking about her all day. She would have been smiling by now. Probably sitting up on her own too. I'm missing out on so much.

Sigh

So if you sigh a lot does that mean you are depressed? I think I've sighed like 3 times in the past 5 minutes.

There is a movie coming out tomorrow called Rabbit Hole starring Nicole Kidman. It is a story of a couple coping with the death of their young son who was 4-years-old when he died. It isn't quite the same as losing a baby before they were born but I'm sure a lot of the emotions and grief that I have been going through will be portrayed. That is the funny thing about grief it is so similar for everyone yet so different.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing this movie and hoping that it helps shed some light and the pain associated with the loss of a child. I hope that people don't avoid the movie for fear of how it will affect them.



I decided to do some research on movies or documentaries that dealt with the loss of a baby and haven't been very successful in finding any available to watch online. I found several titles like the one listed below.


I found several more titles but that was all. I couldn't find anywhere to purchase them if I did want to watch them. Some titles were "Death of a Dream", "When our Baby Died", "There was a Child", and "Losing Leila". I am actually not surprised that this topic isn't more readily available in the movie industry. It really is time that someone makes a movie about the loss of a baby not just a child but a baby that the parents never got to know outside the womb.

On a different note I was thinking about winks the other day. If you don't know winks are little tokens or items that remind us of our babies or loved ones that are no longer with us. For example the dimes I said Brinley was sending me or bees and dragonflies that remind me of her. It's all BS really. I like to think this cause it makes me feel better but it is all BS. She isn't really sending me dimes, bees, or dragonflies. She is dead and cremated. She is ash in a little blue box in a little blue bag sitting on top of my desk in our bedroom. I have come to hate that bag. That bag that holds my dead baby. My dead baby that is nothing but ash and memories now.

How can I miss someone I never got to know? I never got to see her smile. I never got to hear her coo and babble. I never got to dress her, wash her, change a diaper, brush her hair, or feel her hug. I never got to look in her eyes or see her yawn. I never got to feel her hold my finger.

Fuck you pain, I HATE you!

Being sick doesn't help

So I'm getting sick. My neck is stiff, my throat hurts, and I have a headache. The lady that upset me the other day apologized today. You can read about what happened in my last post. I've cried 3 times today. I want to hold my baby again. I have an emptiness deep inside that will never be filled. Brinley is forever a missing piece of me. I just have no other words to express how I feel. I don't want to be this person.

Brinley's ornaments

I set out to find one ornament for Brinley to put on our Christmas tree. I finally settled on this Swarovski 2010 Annual Edition Crystal Snowflake Ornament. It is beautiful and makes rainbows when the sun shines on it. Well our tree is finally up so I wanted to take a few pictures of it on the tree. 

We have ended up with more than one ornament for our baby girl. Below is a picture frame Ally (her big sister) found and put a picture of Brinley in.

We also picked up some wooden ornaments when we went shopping for an ornament we could decorate for the Christmas Ornament swap and decided to color those for Brinley too.

Lastly this is the ornament we received from the swap. It was made by Tobi Nielsen. Thanks Tobi!!

I decided the pictures didn't do the ornaments justice so I made a little video showing them off too. You can watch it below. 

No I am not still pregnant

Today started out like any other day. I got up made breakfast which consisted of a Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg & Cheese Croissant then got in the car to head to work. I usually eat a couple bites then take the sausage off and throw it away so I rolled my car window down and proceeded to throw my sausage out the window when I heard it smack the window and fall into the front seat. I had rolled the back window down instead of the front. I needed to drink my coffee apparently. lol The smudge below was from that sausage.

So after I cleaned my window, yes I carry window cleaner in my car, I went into work. Throughout the day I had a few people that hadn't seen me since I came back to work after having Brinley tell me they were sorry to hear of my loss. I had others ask me how I have been doing. All of this got me emotional and brought up tears.

Lastly I ran into someone who was going to make the vegetable bars for my work's holiday luncheon on Wednesday because I told her I wanted that and I would trade with her to bring something else. So I asked if she was still making them and she said she couldn't because she had another event that she had to go through. Then she proceeded to pat my belly and say "I'm sorry baby."

WTF I'm not pregnant! Matter fact my baby died! I felt so bad and am sure she didn't realize what had happened. I was actually in shock that that just happened. I didn't have the heart to break down crying on her and correct her mistake so I smiled and said goodbye, went to my car to drive back to the building my office is in and broke down crying on the way back over there. I tried to call a fellow BLM because I wanted to tell someone who would know where I was coming from what just happened but got her voicemail. I managed to talk to a fellow co-worker who is also a BLM about it when the person I tried to call, called back. Anyway that event was the final straw for my day. I cried for a while by myself in the office, composed myself long enough to call another co-worker and ask her to let that person know what she did to me then called it a day and went home.

Tears I shed that had fallen on my desk.

That event ruined my day. I want to lose weight and hate that I look pregnant still.

I'm hiding

Sometimes I feel like I am hiding from my pain. It is too much to bear or even think about. I don't want to open the closet I've put it in for fear of it falling on top of me like a ton of bricks. I feel normal. I feel bad for feeling normal. I just can't accept that I've had a dead baby. That seems so foreign to me. Today I don't accept my pain. It will have to come another day.

Melancholy

Yesterday as I sat trying to think of a status to post on FB the thought came to me to type... 

I feel melancholy. 

I knew this word meant something like so-so but wasn't sure of the exact definition so I looked it up. 

• mel·an·chol·y Noun   /ˈmelənˌkälē/
  Synonyms:

  • adjective: sad, gloomy, melancholic, mournful, dismal, blue, sombre, somber, doleful, sorrowful, despondent
  • noun: sadness, melancholia, gloom, sorrow, dejection, despondency, depression, grief, gloominess
  • A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness
• mel·an·chol·y Adjective   /ˈmelənˌkälē/
  • Sad, gloomy, or depressed
    • she felt a little melancholy
    • the dog has a melancholy expression
  • Causing or expressing sadness; depressing
    • the study makes melancholy if instructive reading
       
      
       

Rainbow baby blog

If you want to follow my new blog it is called Rainbow Gave Thee Birth. I am not pregnant but felt like I needed to start writing a new blog about that journey. I will maintain two blogs so I can talk about my journey through grief and loss and my journey through hope and happiness with a new child.

Thanks!

A door closes and another opens (hopefully)

A little off topic but some other things that have been going on in my life. My husband's job has seemed to have come to an end today. There is no money left in the company therefore he has checks he cannot cash. His company cell phone is supposed to be cutoff today. The work van tags and insurance are expired. His employer called him today to ask if he was working. Really, you can't pay him and he has a work van he can't drive. How exactly do you expect him to work for you? Anyway things got heated and he was told he was fired. We are better off.

We knew this day was coming and it's a great way (in my sarcastic voice) to end 2010. Hopefully with the end of one chapter in our lives a new one will be bigger, greater, and better.

My husband is now looking for a vehicle so he can do some things on his own. Until then we got to figure something else out to make some money. We still have a house payment to make.

On another note.....

I got Brinley's Christmas ornament. It is beautiful. It is a Swarovski 2010 Annual Edition Crystal Snowflake Ornament. It has a little tag that says 2010 on it and makes rainbows all over the wall when the light hits it

Last therapist appointment

Tomorrow is my last therapist appointment through work. I think I am done with therapy. I have really been managing life pretty good this past month. I would have cancelled the appointment except that it is free and I feel like I should go and at least show her how well I am doing these days. I cried so much at my last appointment she probably thinks I am spending my days lying in bed.

It is hard to believe that isn't what I am doing. I've actually surprised myself at how well I am handling things these days. Thanksgiving went better than I expected. I expected to wake up and be depressed all day but I wasn't. I think sometimes I really over think how things are going to be on particular days. I stress myself out thinking about how I'm going to feel when this holiday comes or when I see that person. I need to just not think about those things. I'll react the way I react when the time comes, no sense in being stressed about it before it even happens.

Sometimes I think I just want to break down and cry. I want to scream and hit something. I want to not go on but these are moments when I am driving down the road and it just isn't a good time to let go. Then there are times when I think I am ready to move on and be over my grief. I want another baby to get my mind off Brinley but I know that will never happen. The moment I have another baby my mind will always be on Brinley. Wondering what she would have been like at whatever age my rainbow baby will be. My mind is always on Brinley now. Every second of everyday I'm thinking of my baby.

So I've started to turn my focus to eating healthy and working out. I currently weight 199 pounds. I'm not scared to tell people how much I weigh. I don't like it but I'm not scared. I have tried to do this in the past but this time it feels different. I easily gave into temptations of soda and chocolates in the past but not this time. I am serious about losing this weight. I am tired of looking at my face with no chin and fat cheeks. I want the skinny girl I used to be back. It also helps keep my mind off obsessing about having another baby. I want to just let things take it's course. I don't want to drive myself crazy trying to track my fertility and getting upset when I, once again, am not pregnant another month.

Yes we are "trying" again. Is that the terminology I would use if Brinley were alive? "Trying again" I don't really like saying that because it makes me feel as if we have failed. I guess in a sense we did. We failed to have a live baby so we are trying again. If Brinley were alive I might say we are trying to have another baby or we are going for number two. I can't really say that to most people because I don't have number one to show off.

Something else that has been weighing on my heart is that I am a "new" mother but have no pictures to show off my baby. It is probably weird but I want to have a picture of Brinley that I can carry around with me. So if by chance I am talking to someone about her, I can offer to show her picture to them. I feel like a bad mom for not having this already....I think I will go order a print right now from Walgreens.


I guess I had more to talk about than I thought.

Oh almost forgot to mention. I've posted a link to the pregnancy blog I did for Brinley so if you want to go back and read about my pregnancy with my daughter the link is under the Brinley's Memorials page or you can find it HERE.

2 down 1 to go

Well the second holiday after my Brinley left wasn't so bad. Thanksgiving was spent with family at my mother's house. I woke up happy and feeling unaffected by the sadness that accompanied me on Halloween. I thought this wouldn't be so bad after all. I was good until I received a text from a friend wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving with a picture of her baby girl (less than 3 months old). That was a slap in the face.

I had to wonder if she was told of my loss because I don't talk to her often and she isn't on any social networking sites that I'm on. But no, I do remember calling her or at least texting her to let her know what happened so I know she knew that my baby had died. I get a lump in my throat even typing that....my baby died. Ugh!

So after I had a brief cry and hug from my husband I was ready to go spend the day with my family. The rest of my day was great. I worked on my aunt's computer for a little while today. It looks like it is going to take me awhile to get it working again but I do enjoy doing this kind of work no matter how frustrating it can be. We then went to my mother's with our food and ate and ate and ate.

I got to spend lots of time with my 7 month old nephew. It sucks seeing what I'm missing out on but at the same time he is such a joy to be around. There should be two babies with us during the holidays and seeing James will always remind me of this.

We lit a candle for you today Brinley. I hope you had a great day in heaven and gave thanks for the short time you were with your parents on earth. We love you and miss you always. Happy Thanksgiving baby girl <3

Waiting for the End - Linkin Park

Sometime I come across a song that explains better than I can.

Grabbing for the pieces

Brinley is on my mind all the time. Everywhere I look I see Brinley. I see her in bumble bees, butterflies, dragonflies, dimes, rainbows, and well everything. I feel like I am grabbing for the pieces of memories. I am trying to fill a void that can't be filled. So I buy jewelery, request name pictures, and buy art work that reminds me of her. I may not be spending my money on diapers and wipes but I'm sure making up for it in memorials...

I wake up in the morning and think about her. I drive down the road and think of her. I sit at my desk at work and think of her. I never thought that I would have so much to think about a baby I only knew for 9 months. I don't like trying to grab for the pieces, I wish I could grab and hold onto her.

Brinley's Story

So for the 3 month mark after Brinley's birth I decided to post my story of Brinley's life.
From the beginning I was scared of the little life inside of me. I didn't know what I would do with a baby. I didn't feel ready yet to be a mother. Of course I loved little kids but babies? Babies were a different kind of commitment. They completely rely on you for their comfort of living. It took me 8 months to be ready to have this new baby in my life. I was feeling ready to take care of her for the rest of my life. I looked forward to holding her, dressing her, feeding her, and playing with her. She was going to be a new chapter in my life that I was excited to start writing.
My baby Brinley was a perfect little girl who didn't give her mommy too much trouble during her pregnancy. It was better than I could have hoped for. I was thankful for having no issues throughout the entire pregnancy. I did everything right, I didn't eat hot dogs or drink or smoke. I tried to stay active and eat healthy through most of my pregnancy. I took my prenatal vitamins and later the iron supplements. I went to all my doctor appointments and everything was great.

During My pregnancy I enjoyed listening to music loud thinking about what my daughter might like to hear. I thought about reading books to her but for me that just felt weird. I wish I had now. I had fun poking her and feeling her move around. I enjoyed seeing her at each of the ultrasounds I had during the months she was with me. I got to see her pick her nose, move her arms and legs, and position herself in ways I couldn't even imagine moving my body. I hope that she enjoyed her short stay with us.

I was 36 weeks 5 days when I had a doctor appointment on Friday Aug 13 and Brinley's heartbeat was very strong. I felt her moving later on that day so I know she was still alive. I was scheduled for another doctor appointment the next week on Tue Aug 17. The next day, Saturday, I had a breastfeeding class and a newborn care class. My best friend went with me to both since my mom wasn't able to. We then went shopping for some maternity shirts for me so it was a long day. Sunday I was tired and stayed home to rest. I don't know if Brinley was still alive during all of this because I can't remember if I felt her move over the weekend. Monday I had a busy day at work so again I don't know if she was still moving or not. Monday night Aug 16 I thought that I hadn't felt her move but I was already in bed and knew I had a doctor appointment the next day so I went to bed.

Tuesday morning came and all day at work I tried to see if I could feel Brinley move and I hadn't. My doctor appointment was at 4pm that day and I had a feeling something was wrong but hoped I was wrong. When the nurse tried to find her heartbeat there was nothing. She left to get another Doppler and have the U/S machine started up. I broke down crying, my mom was with me thank god. When the nurse returned instead of using another Doppler she took me to the U/S room and they looked at Brinley. No heartbeat...I hate to even think of this day. So with one doctor on vacation and the other doctor in surgery for the day they asked if I wanted to go to the hospital or go home and come back first thing in the morning. I chose to go home and spend the night with my family since they wouldn't be able to do anything until the morning anyway.

My mom took me back to her house where my sister, brother, husband, and step-daughter met us. We ordered pizza and sat around talking and hugging and crying. The next day I showed up at the hospital at 7am to be induced. I gave birth to my first child at 5:41pm Aug 18, 2010. She weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19 inches long. I was 37 weeks and 3 days when Brinley grew her angel wings.

They asked before I had her if I wanted to hold her immediatley or after she was cleaned and I said after she was cleaned. Apparently the doctor wasn't notified of this because she put her right on my chest after she was born. I broke down crying as soon as she was out so I don't remember a lot about what she looked like. My DH got to cut the umbilical cord then they took her to clean her and take pictures as well as hand and foot prints.

When they brought her back all of my family that was there took turns holding her. NILMDTS came to take pictures with us and her. I couldn't hold her very much. It was just too hard. I held her while they did pictures and then I put her back in the bassinet. I wish I had held her more, it was just too hard. I asked if she could stay in the room with me overnight but the nurse advised me that probably wasn't a good idea since her body will be cold and her skin was already fragile. I wanted so bad to spend more time with her and hold her but it was just too hard. We didn't undress her or bath her again because of her skin. We ended up with her outfit, some blankets, her footprints, some of her hair, and pictures the hospital took along with photos from NILMDTS. I know my father took some photos that I haven't seen yet.

I have so many regrets from that day but am thankful for the time that I did have. As the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" says I did the best I could at the time.....

Forever loved and missed ~ Brinley Nicole Moore~

I am one of THOSE people.

Since my loss I realize that I was one of THOSE people that didn't say the right thing or didn't say anything at all when a friend had a pregnancy loss. I want to apologize to all my friends that have had miscarriages, or other pregnancy losses that I wasn't there for. I also want to apologize to my friends I was there for but said the wrong things. I am guilty of being one of THOSE people.

I have said things like "You are young, you can have another." and "It happens all the time so I wouldn't feel bad."  How stupid was I to minimize the loss of a child? It's funny how you don't realize what a big deal it is to someone until you have been there.

I hope that out of my loss someone else will learn the right and wrong way to be there for someone if it happens again. I have also learned that saying "If you need anything just let me know." or "You can call me anytime" isn't good enough. You have to take initiative and offer specific help or show up with dinner. You need to call that person because it is so hard to reach out when you really need it. It is sooo much easier to just answer the phone when it rings than try to decide who to bother with your problems.



Again sorry to all those friends of mine that are mother's of angels!

Another bitter feeling bites the dust

So in the past few days I have spoken to two different people I've had ill feelings towards. I received an apology from someone who said something about my baby weight that hurt my feelings. This person asked me "When is the baby due?" in reference to my belly. I believe I spoke of this in an earlier post. Anyway someone brought it to her attention that it had hurt me. She profusely apologized and told me how much I meant to her.

I also spoke with someone who was pregnant and due only a month after me. I was upset that this person had not really spoke to me about my loss or offered any condolences since returning to work. She has since had her baby and brought her into work but didn't come into my office to show her to me. I was glad. I was harboring feelings of anger towards this person for not really talking to me turns out she was worried about how I would feel about her coming around me since she was still pregnant. So we have cleared the air and I am glad.

I don't like having ill feelings towards anyone. It feels good to not have those negative feelings anymore.

Today I feel....

I am in shock still I think. I can't believe that my baby is gone. This must all be a bad dream. I lay in bed sometimes and remember what it felt like to try and turn over with my big ole belly and wish it was still there. Here it is already November and I feel like I still haven't woke up from that bad dream that started on August 17th. How has it gotten to be almost 3 months already from when I had Brinley?

I don't understand why she isn't here with me. I want my baby to hug and hold. I want to see her smile....

Sometimes I feel like punching something and I don't think a pillow will cut it. They tell you to punch a pillow if you are mad but that just doesn't seem like it will be good enough to satisfy the anger I have inside. So I read and I write and I search for something to make it all better.

Found this song shortly after writing this and had to add it. I think this is going to be one of my new favorites.

Day 30 - a dream for the future

My dream for the future would be to have many happy, healthy children. For the love of me and my husband to remain strong. To be able to look back on this time with a healed heart and remember the good that came out of such a terrible storm in my life.

I still can't believe how much my heart hurts for this baby that I only knew in my womb. I wish I knew before how short lived her stay was to be. I know I will cherish every child after her even more.

Forever loved and missed, my Brinley Baby.

The Do's and Don't's of handling someone elses loss

I posted some notes on Facebook about what to do and what not to do. This link really lays it out for you.

http://www.babysteps.com/rrddmn.html

Do's

Don'ts

DO Allow them to express as much grief as they are able and are willing to share with you.  DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and willing to share with you. DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.  DO be available. to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.  DO deal with the grieving individual gently and positively.  DO encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves. DO encourage them to not impose any “shoulds” or “I should be” on themselves.  DO give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters at the funeral and in the months to come (they are often in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).  DO let your genuine concern and caring show. DO offer specific help such as running errands, helping complete tax or medical forms, or helping to go through their loved one’s belonging. DO offer to be a friend. DO recognize that grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to individual both in the way they express their grief and the time required to stabilize. DO talk about your memories of the deceased child and the special qualities that made the child endearing. DO tell the family how sorry you are about the child’s death and about the pain they must be feeling. DO Acknowledge the death through visits, phone calls, sympathy cards, donations, and flowers. DO Remember important days such as birthdays, the death anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other significant day, which may be difficult for the bereaved. A telephone call, visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved parent. DO Make specific offers to help, i.e.    i. I am going to the store. What do you need?    ii. Can I take your kids on Sunday afternoon?    i. On Thursday I will be bringing by dinner for the family.    ii. I will take your child to skating lessons on Sunday.    iii. Can I come and baby-sit tomorrow evening to give you a break.    iv. Do you want to get out tonight to talk, walk, or both. DO Offer to take the children to schools, birthday parties, and extra-curricular programs. DO Immediately following the loss, take charge of the household and inform family and friends of the tragedy, help answer the phone, help dress and feed the children (if applicable), and set up a meal plan. DO Call. Call often. DO When you call the bereaved, ask, "How are you doing today?" DO Appreciate that your bereaved relative or friend doesn't always return phone calls right away. DO Appreciate that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of what has happened to their child. DO Talk in your natural tone of voice. DO Remember that when you phone, even if it is to only leave a message, the bereaved feel comforted by your efforts. DO Tell the bereaved family how much you care. DO Remember it is usually the simple little things you say or do that mean so much. DO Listen. DO Continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the acute mourning period, even if it means years.. DO Congratulate the bereaved on good news while appreciating that they still carry a tremendous burden of grief. DO Find local support through bereavement groups, church, synagogue, bereavement organizations and forward the information to the bereaved family. DO Be sensitive that being in the presence of other children of similar age to the deceased may make the bereaved parent uncomfortable. DO Give the bereaved time to resume the activities they participated in before their loss. DO Know that effort of any kind is appreciated. DO Learn how to give good hugs. The bereaved need every heartfelt hug they can get. DO Expect your relationship with the bereaved to change. When you are bereaved, every relationship is affected in one way or another. DO Share your own good news with the bereaved. They still want to hear it. DO Say any of the following:    i. Call me at any time if you ever need to talk.    ii. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.    iii. I am so sorry for your loss. DO Feed and walk the dog who has probably been forgotten about. DO Talk to your children about the loss. DO Talk to your children about death and the rituals surrounding death. DO Find the right time and the right materials to broach the discussion of loss and bereavement with your children. DO Consult with your libraries and bookstores for bereavement reading materials for children. DO Provide your surviving children with a picture of the departed child as a cherished momento. DO Give children the option to attend the funeral. DO Give children the option of visiting at the cemetery.

DON’T avoid mentioning their loss or the child's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they haven't forgotten it!). DON’T change the subject when they mention their dead child. DON’T tell them what they should feel or do. DON'T avoid the bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.) DON'T let your friends, family or co-workers grieve alone. There is a tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment during the grief process. You can help by caring, by being there, and by being the best friend you can. DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault. DON’T point out that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable; they can not replace each other). DON'T say "Your loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It was God's will," or "God knows best." DON'T say “you can always have another child.” DON'T say “you should be coping or feeling better by now” or anything else which may seem judgmental about their progress in grieving. DON'T say that you know how they feel (unless you've experienced their loss yourself you probably don't know how they feel). DON'T suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Grief over the loss of one child does not discount the parents’ love and appreciation of their living children. DON'T tell them not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away. DON'T tell them what they should feel or do. DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the loss. DON'T Allow your own fears from preventing you from offering support to the bereaved. DON'T Fear that bringing up the dead child's name will create sadness. DON'T Say, "If you need anything call me" because the bereaved don't always know how to call and ask for your support. DON'T Be afraid if you make your bereaved friend or relative cry. DON'T Think that good news (family wedding, pregnancy, job promotion, etc.) cancels out grief. DON'T Have expectations for what bereaved parents should or should not be doing at different times in their grief. DON'T Forget the overlooked mourners (grandparents, uncles, aunt's, close friends etc.) who need your support too. DON'T Force bereaved people to talk about their loss. They will engage you when the time is right. DON'T Find yourself saying any of the following:    i. It was God's will.    ii. It was meant to be.    iii. He's in a better place now.    iv. Time heals all wounds.    v. I know just how you feel.    vi. You are still young enough to have more children.    vii. Are you not over it yet?    viii. At least you have other children.    ix. Your child is in a better place.    x. It was for the best.    xi. Now you will have an angel in heaven.    xii. It could have been worse...    xiii. It's been ______ amount of time and you have to get on with your life. DON'T Expect grieving parents to be strong and don't compliment them if they seem to be strong. DON'T Tell a grieving parent how they should feel. DON'T Be afraid of reminding the parents about the child. They haven't forgotten. DON'T Be afraid to cry or laugh in front of the bereaved. DON'T Assume that when a grieving parent is laughing, they are over anything or grieving any less. DON'T Wait until you know the perfect thing to say. Just say whatever is in your heart or say nothing at all. Sometimes just being there is comfort enough. DON'T Underestimate the impact of grief on children. Children understand and retain a lot more than they may show. DON'T Think that children are too young to appreciate loss or death.

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

Nearing the end now....

I hope that the next year is better than the last. This year has defiantley been one to remember and not in a good way. I hope by this time next year we have another bundle of joy to bring home. I want to be able to breath again. I feel like I am holding my breath most the time. I dream of being happy again, truly happy. I dream of having a lot of kids so in case one doesn't like me at least another will. lol I want to have lots of kids so I can have lots of grandkids.

Our plans for the next year are for us to get pregnant to give Ally and Brinley a little brother or sister. I also plan to try and finish my bachelors degree and hopefully get a full-time job at work. Maybe for my husband to get his own company up and running. I plan to have a better year than this one.

My hopes & dreams are to have a happy, healthy, and large family. My plan is to go at life with a positive attitude no matter what is thrown my way.

So mad

***Venting***

You know everytime I read another mother's story about losing her baby so close to the end of her pregnancy or even in some cases after the due date I get so mad. Really, is there NOTHING that can be done to prevent this? It is so cruel for a person to have to go through something like this. It really sucks and I hate it ever second of everyday. I feel the pain of those mothers and I get so angry that there is a tragidy in our lives this real.

***Done venting****

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

I had another purse not that long ago but the strap broke so the contents of my purse have been reduced. This is what I'm carrying now.

Starting with the back pocket.....

1. Work blackberry
2. Chapstick
3. Black nail polish from October
4. Work keys
5. Collection of VIP cards for the grocery stores 
6. Pen
7. Receipt from PetSmart
8. Instruction booklets for my new HTC EVO phone 
9. My breakfast for today wheat crackers with peanut butter

Now to the inside front pocket....

1. 13 pens, yes that is a Viagra pen
2. 1 pencil 
3. Mirror from the John Casablanca modeling school I went to like 11 years ago. This mirror was worth every penny I spent to go to that school :-)

In the big inside pocket....

1. Excedrin for my caffeine headaches.
2. Sketch Book - that is why I have so many pens. I have yet to actually sit down and draw anything. 
3. Work iPod
4. WIC vouchers
5. Walk to Remember order form to have Brinley's name inscribed on the stone at the hospital
6. Wallet
7. Credit Card and Reward card wallet
8. VIP Club vouchers for my Trailblazer's vehicle service
9. Reciept from Food Lion
10. Financial aid papers for WKU

The inside zipper pocket....

1. Wetslicks lip gloss from Covergirl. I love this stuff.
2. 1 pad
3. 1 tampon

And that is what is in my purse. 

Amazing interview about Lily Allen's loss

I couldn't have said it better.

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.

Drinking Mountain Dew.

I had an epidural when I was in the hospital having Brinley. Well after the epidural I had a headache whenever I sat up so I was told to drink lots of caffeine. What has caffeine in it? Mountain Dew... Now I was already drinking it before I had Brinley so I can't blame it all on that stupid epidural but having those headaches didn't help me quit, in fact it caused me to drink a lot more than I was. The headaches were gone after 2 weeks of laying around drinking Mountain Dew.

Mountain Dew gives me heartburn when I do drink it and caffeine headaches when I don't drink it. I want to quit drinking sodas because they really pack on the pounds plus I hate having the health issues from drinking it but for some reason I just can't stop yet. I have to get the will power to just say NO to Mountain Dew.