Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.

Today is Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. I hate that I don't have Brinley here to dress up as a little bumble bee. I miss her so much today and it just kills me to see all the kids dressed up and trick-or-treating. I spent this Halloween night hiding in my living room with the lights off working on a photo album for Brinley. I love it and can't wait for it to arrive in the mail. I usually look forward to today all year long but this year I want it to just go away. I didn't even carve a pumpkin this year. I wish I had.

Oh how I needed this today...

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

I have leaned heavily on the Baby Center forums since my loss. I used www.BabyCenter.com all through my pregnancy for information on how Brinley was growing every week but never really participated in the forums for expecting mothers but since my loss I am on the loss forum almost everyday.

Another website that I have been on is FacesofLoss.com they recently started a forum area also so I have been checking it out too. They collect stories from mothers all over the place and I plan to submit mine whenever I can get it typed up. It is still too hard to have to relive that day.

Day 21 - a recipe.

Haha I don't cook. Here is a recipe from my mother. These are one of my favorites. You can really use any veggies you like. Enjoy!

VEGGIE BARS
2 pkgs. crescent rolls
10 oz. cream cheese
1 pkg. dry Ranch dressing mix
3/4 c. mayonnaise
Green peppers
Celery
Mushrooms
Cauliflower
B roccoli
Tomatoes, chopped
Onions
1/2 lb. cheese, grated

Press crescent rolls in cookie sheet. Bake according to package directions. Cool. Combine cream cheese, dressing mix and mayonnaise; spread on crust. Top with 3/4 cup each of desired veggies, tomatoes last, then grated cheese. Cut into bars.

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

Hmmm a hobby? I don't have a hobby. I was once told I should get a hobby but I never did. What really constitutes a hobby anyway. I collect pins, is that a hobby? I guess that is the closest thing to a hobby that I do. It hasn't really changed since my loss either. We went to the State Fair and I picked up pins for the last three years that we have went since I didn't get them last year. Here are just a few of the pins that I have.

Little irritated

Brinley

There are fewer than 1,553people in the U.S. with the first name Brinley.

Just reading through some forums and saw that someone else named their miscarried baby, Brinley. I feel like her name was stolen. It is such an uncommon name that I think they may have seen that name from my postings. I was afraid someone would "steal" her name.

Now I know they have every right to name their child whatever they want and I would have probably done the same thing but it makes me feel like it has lost some of it's uniqueness. It's almost like having your sister or friend use a name for their child you told them you were planning on using for your own special baby. :-(

BRINLEY is a very rare female first name

Very few female first names in the US are BRINLEY

Be proud of your unique first name!

source: namestatistics.com

SHARE

**Repost from FB. Didn't want it to get lost forever.


Well I was looking to see if there was a local support group for Pregnancy and Infant Loss but there isn't. The closest thing available is for parents who have lost a child of any age. There is a difference between losing a child while in the womb and losing a child after they have been on this earth a few years. So if I wanted to start a group through SHARE I have to be past 18 months after my loss.


That doesn't help me now....


http://www.nationalshare.org/start-group.html

Day 19 - a talent of yours.

A talent of mine would have to be my knowledge of computers. I have been going to college the past 4 years (full and part time) for computer technology. This has seemed to be a topic that comes very easily to me. Part of my job is helping instructors at the college deal with technology, which I love. I have finished two associate degrees, one for programming and one for networking. I really wanted to be a graphic design artist but when I started school there wasn't a program for that here. I really don't consider myself that good of an artist but wanted to learn. I've enjoyed what I have learned from all of my schooling so it wasn't a complete waste.

Maybe after I finish my Bachelor's degree I can pursue the graphic design side. I just want to know how to navigate around in Photoshop or something similar. As for my blog design, I have gained the knowledge on how to edit HTML so I was able to do most of the changes myself. At least I know how to look up how to do the changes. :-D

Day 18 - my wedding

I'm so excited to share my wedding pictures with you. I love the way the turned out. Enjoy! :-)

Our cake with our name train in front.

Getting hitched.

Me and my love.

That's me so happy.

Kissy Kissy

Look at that huge flower bouquet. It was heavy.

Me and my girls.
Left to Right - Shannon (BF), Jaime (Sister), Me, & Trisha (BF)

Me and my hubby outside the train station.

Walking down the train tracks.

Mr. Moore and the boys.
Left to Right - David (BF), Anthony (BF), Mark, & Ryan (My Brother)

Us and my Dad & Step-Mother

Us and my Mother & Step-Father

Us & his Mother

Me so pretty. :)

Me and my Mommy

Him and his Daddy

My handsome husband.

Toot Toot!

<3 The Train Depot where we got married. <3

Day 17 - an art piece that moves you.

Pretty much any piece by Juan Francisco is absolutely amazing. See link below. His work is so realistic that it is hard to believe that he drew them from a blue ink pen. He works from photographs. Most of his art is of females. I love the randomness of the poses he catches them in. I imagine his life is pretty fun. He also does amazing work with paint. I wish I was as talented as him.

http://www.juanfranciscocasas.com/galeria.aspx?c=31&idm=es

I feel like I should also include something loss related so I went searching and found this. I think this angel baby is absolutely beautiful and would like to think this is what my Brinley looks like up above. So pretty.

Driving in the rain

Well driving home in the rain today a song came on the radio and made me cry. These two things are not a good combination.

The song that caught me off guard is the new Nelly song called "Just a Dream" which is really about a break up but the part that got to me is below.

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.


If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.
I said, if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.



It made me think about all the dreams and hopes I've had for Brinley. I would think about what she would look like. I would think about what kind of mother I would be for her.  I would think about the love I have for this child. I would daydream about her as a toddler and the funny things she would say. Since I've had Brinley I've realized it was all just a dream. A dream of the life that she would have had. She is gone and I wish I could have given her everything in the world.

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

I've posted this one before but it is "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

Day 15 - What you like about your house.

There are a few things I like about my house.

1. That it is my house. Even though the mortgage payments suck it is our's. 
2. I like that it doesn't look like every other house in the neighborhood.
3. I like the big backyard and the wood fence that surrounds it.

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

My non-fictional book would have to be Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I have found this book to be my favorite so far. I like how it talks about all the feelings you may feel during your grief and the statistics of everything involved. It makes me feel less alone.

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss

Some of these are hard since my loss was only 2 months ago I haven't had a chance to read a lot of books. Since

I'm reading several books at once and the only one I am reading that isn't baby loss related is Cesar's Way. I am putting this book because it is my escape from my loss book. Sometimes I feel like reading but don't want to have to think about losing Brinley while I read so I go to this book.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

Can't think of anything I am OCD about. I may have to come back to this one. I like to shake my towel off before getting out of the shower to make sure there aren't any bugs on it. Not sure if that counts. Not that I've ever had an incident where there was a bug on my towel but I don't want to chance it.

That is really all I can think about right now.

Day 10 and 11 - Playing catch up

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now

This photo was taken of me when I was 16. I wish I could go back to those days. I was happy, pretty, and hadn't been through the pain I have experienced these past few months.


Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it
 now

This photo was taken on October 10. I really like this photo of me. I am still pretty just not as skinny as I used to be. This picture also reminds me that I am a mother who has lost her child.

 

2 months today

Today Brinley would be 2 months old. I have my second appointment with the therapist today so I can tell her all about my weekend. We went to Columbia for the State Fair this past weekend. It was fun to go walk around the fair with my husband. We took my step-daughter and one of her friends with us and let them go off on their own around the fair this year. I was looking forward to eating all kinds of fair food but when the time came to eat I just wasn't that hungry. I have noticed the past few days that my appetite hasn't been what it should be. I feel sick to my stomach.

As for the fair itself, the day we went they were having a beauty pageant for little baby girls up to teens. It hurt to see all those cute little babies dressed up. I was supposed to have my Brinley with us at the fair this year. So in the afternoon when we decided to go play some games I wanted to win a toy and give it to a little girl. The first game we played after a couple tries I won a big pink dog. We then walked around the other games until I found a little girl probably about 1 year or so. I walked up to the mother and proceeded to tell her the I had my daughter stillborn on Aug 18th and wanted to give her little girl the dog. The mother looked kind of scared by me but I don't care. It made me feel better. I hope that little girls loves that dog for a long time.

After that we found another game booth and played the same kind of game. This time Mark won and let me pick out the prize. I got a bright lime green bear. He said that was a present from the daddy to the mommy. <3 He is so great!

Earlier in the day we stopped to watch a show with dogs that they had rescued from an animal shelter. They taught these dogs how to jump and catch Frisbees. I really enjoyed watching the dogs jump around and do their tricks. I was caught off guard by the emotions I had while watching the show. I wanted to cry. Out of nowhere I had tears in my eyes and wanted to break down crying. I was happy and having fun watching the show then all of the sudden my eyes filled with tears. Maybe the therapist can help me understand what was going on.

As for staying with my MIL over the weekend. That went the way I thought it would. Not good. I try to give her a chance and see if I can like her but I really don't . What did it for me this weekend was her comment about my baby weight. It has only been two months since I had Brinley and she is making fat jokes! She had the nerve to ask me when the baby was due! Can you believe that?!? She was at the fricken hospital when I had the baby. EXCUSE ME FOR NOT LOSING THE WEIGHT FAST ENOUGH FOR YOU. I've had other things on my mind besides my weight. I am so mad. I wish I had the nerve to just tell the woman how I feel. What I do know is I won't be staying around her for a VERY long time. She stresses me out I just can't take it these days.

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

This photo was taken on 10/10/2010 the day of the first Walk to Remember we attended. It is the rose I received from that memorial service.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

This photo was taken by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep people. My thoughts were to have them take a picture with this teddy bear that my husband got for me when we first met. He bought me the teddy bear for my 18th birthday. It was wearing a cape that matched a cape that my mother had got for me on that same birthday. I remember thinking at that moment this was the man I was going to marry. 6 years later we did get married.

When I first saw the picture it made me sad. Since the pictures are Black and White the bear looks like the grim reaper come to take my daughter away. At least that was the first thought that crossed my mind. I hate the way this picture turned out and I hate that there isn't another chance to make it right. It was meant to be a special picture of our daughter with the teddy bear that was her father's first token of love for her mother and it didn't work out that way.

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

This is a hard one. This photo is bittersweet for me really. In my heart I feel like this picture was taken the last day Brinley was alive inside of me. I chose this picture because of how I felt that day. I was excited about being very pregnant and looking forward to having my daughter soon. I was happy then. I hope one day I will have this feeling again. I had searched online for different poses I could do with my prego belly and one that stood out was a women eating ice cream. Since I love ice cream so much I thought it was a great picture to have.