Saturday, October 9, 2010

Something profound?

I was laying in bed last night and had something I thought was so profound that I wanted to blog about it. Now I can't remember what it was. I should have got up right then and got it out. Dang it man.

Tonight is the night before the Walk to Remember event at the hospital I had Brinley at. I am nervous and excited about going tomorrow. I anticipate it will be a hard day but am looking forward to remembering my daughter. (Not like I haven't been thinking of her of every minute of every day.)

We went yard selling today and I just didn't think about the fact that most people sell baby stuff. I'll be damned if I didn't see at least 2 pink baby bathtubs, along with strollers, and pregnancy books. It actually didn't affect me the way I felt it should have. I remember looking at these items thinking that I should be more upset than I was. It was almost like I was devoid of feelings. It has only been 7 weeks since my loss and I feel as if it never even happened. Besides the stretch marks, room full of baby stuff, and the pictures of Brinley I act as if I never had a baby that died. I know it happened, that it wasn't just a bad dream.  I must be in shock or something. I want to be depressed and cry all the time. I want to feel like I want to yell and scream.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am but didn't want to get out of bed all day. I finally got up around 11am to take a shower but I really would have loved to stay in bed all day long. I guess that is what it is like to be depressed. Not wanting to get up or deal with people. Some days it is like that...I don't want to be bothered.

Monday I start therapy for the first time in my life. I wonder if I am really messed up enough to need therapy. I am afraid that the therapist will tell me that I am fine and I don't need to come back again. I don't feel like I am fine. I want to be able to think clearly again. I am so forgetful and absent minded these days, I think the therapy will help. I hope so.

On a lighter note we received our Brinley tree today. Mark's aunts got together and bought us a Okame Cherry tree in honor of Brinley. It is very pretty with pink flowers. I can't wait till it blooms but first we have to find the perfect home for it in our yard.