Don't want to be here

I never thought it would affect me this bad.

1. I don't want to be here. 
2. I don't want to have to read about other mother's losses. 
3. I don't want to be looking for help. 
4. I don't want to see my co-worker walk around 9 months pregnant with her baby girl knowing that I didn't get to come home with mine.
5. I don't want to cry everyday. 
6. I don't want to live everyday without my baby. 
7. I don't want to have this hurt and pain just below the surface. 
8. I don't want to go to the fair without my child. 
9. I don't want to go to Ohio without my baby.
10.  I don't want to go through Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas without my Brinley.
11. I don't want to have to do things in remembrance of her. 

God why is this so hard sometimes.....